Things happen inside of spaces or inside of myself where it doesn't feel as safe to bring all of me, and then I feel less belonging, it’s like shades of grey. It isn't a yes or no. It isn't “I belong” or “I don't belong”. It’s like how much do I belong, which is driven by an internal process of feeling safe.

I have been in a deep state of transformation recently, and everything in my energy field and reality has been changing — literally everything. When this shift started for me, I knew that it was going to be profound, but I had no idea just how big it would be.

I was getting ready to cleanse and clear my body and as I moved the container of sacred shamanic cleanse I dropped the container. The moment that the container slid from my hands I felt my heart skip a beat. The cleanse was expensive and before it even hit the floor I was thinking about what I would have lost.

I used to miss all of these moments. I used to be so deeply in my mind that I missed most of my own morning. I used to be so caught up with what was happening in my head and all of the steps of my day that I wasn’t present with the life that I was living, the body that I am in. I think back about just how much of this beautiful human experience I have missed because I was in my head and not in my body.

“Oh yeah” I responded with a question in my voice. 

“Yeah, it was like something shifted inside of me during the workshop. I could feel it happening. Whatever you were saying was moving right through me in a way that I can’t explain. It is like you downloaded something into my heart and my body and my soul.”

I saw a canvas that you painted and it took my breath away.

I also have more access to the subconscious limitations and blocks that I have been reinforcing that keep me from stepping into the next expression of me. It would be easy to say that I am sitting in more fear, but that isn’t it, I have more access to the fear and subconscious blocks, and I know that that is all that they are, so I do not allow them to spiral.

I have worked on and through this self-judgement in many ways. Like layers of an onion, I peel them back slowly. I know that I love to play and I play freely in so many places in my life. I play freely with my children, my husband and many of my clients but I haven’t incorporated play into all aspects of my life. I am still guarded around play in so many ways.

It would have been easy to meet me with control because I move through the world with the energy of the south. The energy of passion, the energy of fire, the energy of a wild horse unwilling to be tamed. You never tried to control me, you simply created the structure for me to be exactly who I am and honored that authentic expression of me.

She nodded at me and let out another sigh. She began looking around the room, knowing that I was going to ask her to orient before the somatic exercise. Then she closed her eyes and I began to guide her through a somatic session. I knew that when she felt that unsafe, she wasn’t going to be able to see anything other than danger and would continue to loop in fear-based thought patterns. I also knew that if she could access some safety, she would also be able to see the dynamic in a very different way.