I started asking a couple of questions and each of them was met with a level of fear and alarm. I simply wanted to understand what was happening in my body. I wasn’t worried about it. It wasn’t a problem. I didn’t have fear. Her reaction blew my mind. I couldn’t imagine living in a fear based place like that. Doesn't everyone want to know what is happening inside of themselves? Maybe not? Maybe people only ask questions when they are scared and her response was a reaction to that pattern.

For me, my body is the best divination tool that I will ever own. For me, I view my body as a teacher, a mentor, a spirit guide. So, when it talks to me I try to sit with it. I try to understand what it is saying to me.

I had been doing spiritual coaching with her for a month. We had looked at patterns, behaviors and thoughts that she wanted to shift or change. Her diagnosis of cancer created an internal need for her to look at herself and work on healing.

The boys were tucked in bed and I started cleaning up the kitchen. The music was playing lightly from a speaker hanging from the kitchen cupboard. My bare feet moved easily and gently over the hardwood floor as my body moved with the music.

We were talking about dreams. I had asked him to tell me about a dream of his and he had told me the most beautiful dream of his life. I closed my eyes part way through him telling it so I could feel his story in my heart, and man did it feel amazing.

He didn’t need to be bad or wrong. I didn’t need to talk shit about him to all of my friends. I didn’t need to paint him in a bad light. It came down to a simple fact, “I can’t love you the way you want to be loved and you can’t love me the way that I want to be loved.

Sometimes when we think we are hungry we are actually thirsty. It is confusing right? We have lived for years and years and one would think that our body would easily be able to tell the difference between hunger and thirst, yet….. Sometimes, it isn’t clear.

So, it isn’t about the money but it is about the concept that I am worth spending money on. I am worth investing in.

Almost a year later, on a solo hike on the same mountain I found my answer. For me, it was never about reaching the top. It wasn’t the goal. It wasn’t what I was seeking. I enjoyed every step. It was the journey in which I derived joy.

“Will you dance with me” I asked. I knew that they could touch, taste, feel and hear the vulnerablity of my question.

No words were required.

As they pressed their heart against mine and pulled me close I whispered “this is a song and dance called, how to love me.”