I tried to uncross my arms only to realize that it was a real struggle, my arms wanted to be across my chest, so I allowed them to be. As I listened to her talking I recognized that I had even pulled my fleece jacket tight across my chest before I had crossed my arms. 

It was almost 80 degrees in October in New Hampshire which seemed like nothing short of a gift from Mother Nature. Between clients I would go outside even if it was only for a couple of moments. I noticed that each time I went out my body would sweat, which surprised me because it wasn’t THAT hot and I wasn’t outside THAT long.

My eyes were closed and tears were streaming down my cheeks as I tried to catch my breath. I was mad and I was hurt and I wasn’t even sure what else I felt, but I knew that I felt big emotions.

A boss who I used to work for used to say “No good deed goes unpunished”. It was a phase that came out of her mouth frequently and each and every time that I heard it, it made me cringe. I disliked everything about it.

His response shocked me, it rocked me back on my heels. I had never looked at it this way before but it offered me a very different lens to look through. Why was I constantly making negative comments about my body to someone who appeared to be perfectly happy with my body?

“I think that we are going to see a moose today. It is the second time that I have thought that.” I said.

“I have my camera ready, that would be outstanding” he responded with a twinkle in his eye. 

“I need something” I said as I walked through the kitchen opening cabinets and doors only to realize that there was nothing there that I wanted.

He laughed at me. “Did you want me to make you a grilled cheese and tomato or tea?”

“I am going to wake him up in 30 minutes and check to see if anything has changed,” he said.

I left a moment of silence and then asked, “Why”?

A long pause was on the other side of the phone.

It was a peaceful morning in early fall. I had opened all of the doors in the house when I woke up. There is something about the flow of air through the home that brings me peace. I was moving around the kitchen getting the house organized for a birthday party for my son before anyone else woke up.

I walked out the door of the grocery store and was hit with a blast of warm air. Immediately, I could smell the mix of essential oils and incense that penetrated my body from a day of working with clients.

For a moment, time stopped. I slipped back into a memory from dating a man multiple years ago.