I was lying on a mat at a workshop allowing the content of the course to move through all of me. As I lay there breathing and feeling everything that my heart, mind, body and spirit had to say I looked up and noticed him sitting on the couch not far from me. My focus shifted from myself to him as I watched him, at first gently and then intensely.

“Ugh” I said in a whiney voice.

“What?” he asked.

We had just gotten out of the shower and I was getting dressed. I had forgotten that I had thrown my favorite bra out just the day before because it had broken. 

“I don’t have a bra” I said while I looked through the bra options that I had in our room.

Picking you as my mother was one of the best decisions I ever made. I don’t have full memories of everything that happened before I came here to be human, but I have the deepest knowing that I hand-picked you. I could have picked anyone, but I picked you and I will pick you again. 

I was easily able to identify that I was mad, that wasn’t hard to determine for me. 

“I am mad” I stated clearly. But there was more to it than that and I knew it. It was one thing to identify the anger but what was the other emotion that was with the anger that I was feeling?

She broke out into giggles as she bit part of the mozzarella stick and played with the remaining bite between her lips. She looked from side to side, trying to show her food to anyone who would notice. The remaining bite sat gently between her lips as giggles exploded from her body.

“Don’t tell your wife” I heard her say in a whisper despite the fact that his wife wasn’t anywhere around. I was in the same space as them and couldn’t help but overhear their conversation. The woman had been telling her friend about a family friend who was going through a divorce. 

“Ok, I won’t” he responded awkwardly. 

“It is just that she is really judgemental and I know that she won’t even try to understand their situation” she said. 

You see, I am just not that girl. I am not the girl who you go to see when you want gentle energy. I am not the girl that you go to when you want to go an inch deep. I am not the girl who you go to when you want to avoid yourself and your bullshit. I am not that girl. I never have been that girl and honestly I can’t see that I ever will be that girl. I am the girl who you go to when you want to change your life.

I took some deep breaths, recognizing that I was ungrounded. I locked eyes with him as an attempt to stand grounded but it didn’t work. While my eyes stayed locked with him my energy drifted far from my body. I realized that I had been speaking but had paused mid-sentence and now couldn’t remember what I was even speaking about.

It wasn’t discomfort in the sales process that made me want to vomit, it was their approach. I listened to them time and time again approach people with insincerity and play on their need for validation. They would throw empty compliments at people and then tell them how they needed to buy these books, they had single books and then bundles of books. As the day progressed my dislike for their sales strategy only increased.

I arched my back and then twisted side to side hoping that I would relieve the discomfort between my shoulder blades. The pain had been there for a couple of weeks and as a physical therapist I knew that I had done nothing mechanically to result in this pain. I knew that the root of this discomfort was energetic and that no amount of stretching would change it.