Stitching the wound

I knew the wound wasn’t healed. It was something that I had been working on. I guess, I guess I just didn’t realize how raw it was either. Yet, in the matter of one question and 3 seconds my wound was exposed and took my breath away. 

I was sitting curled in a chair in my kitchen drinking a glass of water after putting my boys to bed. He had already asked me about my business and I explained how I read energy and coach people on their own spiritual journey and healing process. His question was simple, “can you read me?”. It is something that I am asked on a daily basis and don’t skip a beat about, my entire business is built on it. 

In the flash of a second and in one sentence my insecurities and self-worth issues were served to me on a platter. My water was half tap water and half peach-ginger seltzer. I swallowed hard and the bubbles stuck in my throat the way that my words were. 

I had a choice. I could avoid my wound or I could start stitching the wound close. All of Samel’s judgement and harshness tore through me as if he were standing in front of me again. I had already allowed his words to come with me into my last relationship. I replayed “this” moment from my last relationship frequently. We were visiting his mum and aunt and playing a board game. Your cue was “grandfather” and I didn’t expect to be put on the spot like that. There is a process to opening for mediumship and while I can openly quickly it isn’t comfortable or fun. At the table, the world got quiet and confusing, it was one of my only experiences with feeling paralized by my own emotions. Despite the fact that I was at the table physically, I was actually far from the table, I was reliving him tearing me apart. My fear of experiencing him again absolutely paralized me. I can’t even remember what word I picked, something to do with religion, and as I pointed to the card I heard clear as day “I am Allen”. The name Allen was on the table. It was a profound experience for me, not because I didn’t demonstrate mediumship effectively,but because I allowed my wound to paralyze me. I swore that I wouldn’t do it again, I wouldn’t hand you that kind of power ever again. So, here I sat with the option of handing you my power. I took a deep clearing breath, welcomed the element of air to help me release, and with the exhale I started to read. 

“Oh my god Erin. You nailed it, on the spot”.

While the validation was nice, it wasn’t even the important part. When given the opportunity to run from my wound I faced it, I started stitching the wound shut, closing the hole that allowed my power to be given away.

2.5 feet deep

I woke and wiggled in my sheets. They were freshly washed and before my eyes opened I was met with the softness and newness of the clean sheets. I slid my leg between the sheets and sank into the sensation. I could hear that it was snowing, there is a muted sound when snow is falling and I was excited to see how much we had gotten. 

I slipped from bed and walked barefoot and naked to the bathroom. I slid on my robe, wrapped it tight around my body and peaked out the window. A blanket of white now lay where grass has been the day before. Snow still swirled in the sky and fell thick on the earth. 

As I stepped out the door, to start shoveling, I placed my earbuds into my ears and pushed play on my favorite folk playlist. I stepped off from the top step of my front door and realized quickly that we had gotten more snow than I originally thought. As I sank into the snow, up above my knees, I sank into myself. I sank into my divine feminine energy that I had been working so hard to embrace again. I had met her in the shower, in the kitchen dancing, on my runs, in my bath and in my bed,however I didn’t expect to meet her in the snow, yet there she was. As a single mom, responsible for the snow removal, I knew that I had a fair amount of shoveling ahead of me. Much like the strength card in the tarot deck I felt the fierceness of my power and the gentleness of her also. I felt the divine feminine flowy, juicy, sensual energy while also feeling my strong, powerful, physical strength as I shoveled snow. After an hour and a half of shoveling I felt tired and also empowered. With a happy heart I went inside to warm up.

The snow continued to fall in large flakes at what felt like a relentless pace. I worked at my desk with a cup of coffee, watching the snowfall and enjoying the energy. When I went out for the second round of shoveling I realized that this was truly when I was going to access my inner goddess and my divine feminine. Another foot of snow had fallen and I found myself shoveling the same areas all over again. Earlier in the day I felt strong and powerful which didn’t compare to how I felt now. Now I felt tired from already shoveling and from working, and the thought of having to shovel all over again felt slightly daunting. As I started the process all over again it became clear that this was truly when I was going to feel my divine feminine and inner goddess. It is in moments of weakness and fatigue that the power of these energies really become clear. After about the 10th shovel full of snow a calmness and deep sense of power came over me. I am not the victim; I am a strong, powerful and very capable woman. As that energy flowed freely through me I found myself enjoying the task again, and finding the joy in being outside in nature, using my body, and standing in my power.

Silent sky gazing

There is something about standing on my driveway in the early morning and looking at the sky that brings me a level of peace that I find hard to express in words effectively. Sometimes, I do not feel like I have enough or the right words to explain how much I enjoy simple pleasures like the smell of the earth or the way mother nature paints pure magick in the sky on a daily basis. 

As I stood looking at the sky,I watched the colors change and intensify, getting stronger and brighter. The real magick in the sky only lasts for a moment or two and then it begins to fade. I love waiting for the climax, I love the way the energy feels in my body as it builds and grows. It is a morning ritual for me and sets my day up for success. 

Just like the morning sky, we often have moments of brightness and clarity. We see things differently, even if for just a moment, and it gives us direction in life. Just like the climax of the morning sky, you can miss it if you are too busy with your morning routine. The clarity that I get when I slow down, stand still, quiet my mind, quiet my body is abundant. The clarity that I get when I am moving quickly and busy in my mind and body is almost nothing. Whenever I find myself in need of direction and clarity I also realize that I have been too busy in my mind and body. Whenever I find myself having all of the clarity and direction that I need, I realize that I have been quiet in my mind and body. Hence, the daily routine of silent sky gazing.

Welcome home love

The divine feminine had been calling to me. I heard her in the wind when I was running. I heard her in the music that I danced to in my kitchen. I heard her in the sound of the shower. I heard her drifting off to sleep. I heard her and I was trying to listen. 

As I started out for a run I welcomed her into my body, into my soul, into my run. The night before I had done a ceremony around welcoming her back into my world. I used to have a close relationship with her energy but I had lost it through trauma. I had done the shadow work to heal the wounds from the trauma and felt ready to work with her energy again. As I started out for my run, I felt different. There was no tightness. I didn’t need to relax into my run. My body didn’t feel rigid. Rather, I felt relaxed and immediately reached the flow of the run before getting to my mailbox. My sacral chakra flowed freely, I hadn’t realized how tight and limited I had felt. My body felt fluid and I could see the infinity sign in my minds eye as I ran. The infinity sign felt like it flowed freely through my hips with each step on my run. I have returned from a run and felt sexy and strong before, but I had never felt sexy while I was running, this was a new feeling and sensation for me. I embraced it, I went with it. The further I ran, the stronger the sensation got and if I am being honest, the more that I enjoyed it. 

“I have missed this. I have missed this side of me.” I said to the divine feminine. 

“Welcome home” she said back. 

In that moment, I realized that it wasn’t me welcoming her energy back into me. She had always been there and I had strayed from her and as such strayed from myself.  She has always been present and steady. 

Her energy is warm, juicy, sexual, sensual, flowy, and open. More than that, her energy is strong, powerful, confident and worthy. 

“Welcome home love, indeed”.

Fasting

I sipped the glass of water as we spoke over the zoom meeting. 

“Did you already eat lunch” she asked as she sat eating hers.

“No, I am fasting today” I said while taking another sip of water and not bothering to explain that this fast was something that was likely going to last days.

“I could not do that” she said back. “It makes my head hurt and I can’t think straight” as she shook her head at me.

“Yeah, there are brief moments of being uncomfortable and then your body adjusts. I like the lightness and clarity that I get from it” I said back and then swiftly changed the subject. I didn’t want to talk with her about the spiritual reasons that I was fasting. It wasn’t that I was hiding anything about my spirituality, not even a little, but I simply didn’t want to go there with her yet as it wasn’t the walk of life that we crossed paths on. 

On my run that evening I got lost in thoughts of other cleanses. I have done cleansing in many ways; fasting, removal of specific foods or food groups, alcohol free, caffeine free, cold water immersions, are just a couple. I used to ask spirit why I was being asked to do these cleanses.  I would resist the uncomfortable moments or sensations and pattern breaking. I no longer question it when I get the message that I need to do a cleanse. At this point, I welcome the clarity and the energetic shift that always comes with it. I like the vibrational change. I like the increase in metaphysical abilities that is always associated with a cleanse. I like the shift in the way energy flows through me. I like the way that I process my emotions differently. I like the change in my sleep. I like the change in the way that my mind processes information. I like the expansion of my soul. I like being challenged on why I think my body needs something. I like it. It is simple, I like it. 

A wise turtle once told me

You were on my run, in the middle of the road. You were on your back with your belly exposed, unable to flip over again. I picked you up and carried you to the edge of the road and thought that it was odd to see you here, mostly because I could feel you long before I came upon you. I was on a run and working through my emotions of feeling exposed. I had stopped earlier in the run and looked at a large tree that was blown over with the roots up in the air, exposed just like I felt. As I ran, I could feel that you would be there, I looked for you and there you were. You caught my attention but I couldn’t see you for what you were.

I walked on mothers day with a sense of ease that I hadn’t felt in awhile. I was alone. I was in the sun. I was in nature. I was whole. I was happy. I stopped in my tracks and I saw the sweetest canadian geese babies who were still awkward and struggling, clearly just entering the world, funny and new to life with all the innocence that new life brings. I stopped and watched, with a level of excitement that is hard to put on paper, but easy to feel. I overlooked you on your logs sunning yourself. It wasn’t until I zoomed out on the babies enough to see the world around me that I noticed you, sitting with your ancient knowledge. I didn’t see you. 

I drove my mom back to see you. We stopped and looked for your sweet souls on the log, seeking the sun, seeking the light that brings life and love. I couldn’t see you for what you were. 

Caught up in all of the human things, I tried to zoom out about life and what I was doing here. I took a walk and saw you sunning yourself, you made me smile. I stopped and told you how I loved your sweetness and offered you words in exchange for the opportunity to see you…. But I didn’t see you. I walked on, around the corner and to the bend. I said “this isn’t how life is meant to be lived” and just like that, I saw you. I saw you as clear as I could have ever wished. You sat in the middle of the road, one arm out of your shell and your head out, looking right at me. There we stood, staring at each other, and in that moment, I saw you. I saw you. I recognized that you were bringing me knowledge and understanding from a place that I was struggling to reach. 

You made me recall the first time that a turtle came to me. I could palpate it in my body, as if I was in it again, living it over again. I rounded the corner on the run and there you stood. I kept running, right past your shoulder and knew who you were but never said a word. You spoke and I listened. You gave me a sweet message for your son, that he was much like a duck who appeared steady on the surface and that while he appeared steady, he was paddling like hell under the water. He needed to be like a sea turtle, one big push with all your body and then coast…. coast…. coast and then push only to coast again. 

I remembered your words with a kind of sweetness and innocence that I needed to feel today.  It reminded me of the early days of me opening to spirit communication and the universe. I walked home thinking of you and every turtle along the way. Why had I struggled to acknowledge you? Multiple times you were in clear line of sight and I couldn’t see you.

Later in the day I found myself in the garden, clearly needing to ground myself. I broke ground in the garden with a rototiller and it wasn’t until I was done being thrown around that I stepped sideways in my brain. With the rototiller I went up and down the garden, soaking up the sun and the dirt and my brain accessed the autopilot mode where I grow, which seemed fitting as I was in the garden. Just like that, you started to talk. 

“You move too fast, I don’t know where you think you are going, but you move too fast. You know that if you slow down, you will get there just as fast”, you said. 

I walked in silence with the vibration of the rototiller coming through my arms. 

“Where do you think you are going so fast?” I was silent. 

“Slow, slow life down. It isn’t where you are going, it’s the journey. Do you enjoy the walk? Do you enjoy the ride? Do you enjoy the path? You aren’t eating fruit for breakfast because you move too fast.” 

I walked slowly behind the rototiller without words. “Slow down, cut up the fruit, take time to enjoy the fruit. It is sweet, like life. I don’t know where you think you are going so fast.” 

Just like that, I saw you. I walked behind the rototiller with the sun washing my soul with light and I saw you, but really, I heard you.

Breaking point?

The snow fell creating a sense of peace and calm that I welcomed after a busy week. The world always feels quiet when it snows.  It is something that I have adored since childhood. The large white flakes filled the air and stuck to the branches of the trees and the grass. It felt like magic. It felt like I was watching magic play out right before my eyes. Mother nature was making everything innocent and pure and light right before my eyes. The flakes were huge and flowed slowly and steadily from the sky. 

I started a fire in the wood stove and danced around the house enjoying the energy of the snow storm and the holiday season. There is something about the combination of snow swirling in the sky and a wood stove that sets the energy on maximum comfort. I wanted to sink into the day, like I sink into a couch. I wanted the day to embrace my body and my soul while I enjoyed its support, just like a couch. 

As the hours went by the snow began to pull the branches of the trees down. The snow was heavy and wet and dense. I stood looking at a cluster of birch trees in my backyard. The branches were pulled down almost to the ground, stretched outside of their comfort zone, yet not enough to make them break. I stood with a warm cup of coffee in my hand looking out at the trees and feeling bad for them.  It never feels good to have something so heavy that you bend out of your comfort zone, wondering if you will snap at any moment. 

As the tree released the snow and let it fall down to the ground, for the earth to welcome and accept, the tree bounced back up into place. I couldn’t help but compare the trees to life. Sometimes, things get heavy and they weigh us down. Things can force us to bend, almost to the point of snapping and breaking. However, when we release the heaviness it is amazing how we bounce right back to our true shape and true selves.

Random acts of support

I was out for a run and lost in my thoughts and an interaction with a spirit. While I understand that running is a grounding and physical experience I was far from grounded and far from my body. On almost every run I find myself lost in the ethers with spirits and guides, learning and growing. This day was no exception. 

I could hear a car coming from behind me and while this pulled me slightly from my meditative state it wasn’t for long. The car went past me, then rolled down the window and out came a hand with a thumbs up. I was snapped right back into my human body and human mind. I waved feverishly at the person. 

Then I ran in my human head for the rest of the run. The car was not one that I recognized or saw frequently. It could be a neighbor who sees me running daily or it could be someone who has never passed me before. When people go out of their way to be supportive and kind to another person who they don’t know, it lights my world on fire…. I simply adore it, I love it more than I know how to express. What if the world was filled with people who threw their thumb out the window rather than their middle finger? What if people threw support at random strangers without the expectation of that kindness in return? What if we each committed to openly supporting people, for the sake of humanity? 

Those questions rattled through my head as my feet repeatedly hit the pavement. My mind expanded to think about times that I had thrown support at random strangers, some who clearly needed and some who didn’t appear to (but let’s be honest, who doesn’t want it?). What is odd is that I never knew how that stranger felt, but I sure did know how I felt. I have never thrown support at a stranger and been sorry or felt bad. It has always felt good and right and I always end up feeling better as a result. So, what if the support benefitted you and it benefitted me and the cost was nothing? What if, when I was seeking personal growth, I always included support and love of random strangers and the end result is that I was happier? What if the world could be that simple?

Thanksgiving run

The icy Thanksgiving rain poured all over me. With the rain came a calmness and a quietness that I was embracing before the house got busy with family and laughter and love. The cold rain dripped from my face and sloshed from my shoes with every step. It became clear, not long into the run, that I did not have enough layers on, however I am not sure that extra layers would have made a difference anyway. There were no cars and I found myself running down the middle of the road. 

As I ran, I got to thinking. This run was much like the journey of life. Sometimes, we find ourselves all alone out in the cold and fairly uncomfortable. In those moments we get a couple of choices. We can let those moments ruin us or we can embrace them. I could focus on the fact that I was cold and my skin felt numb and how uncomfortable that was, or I could embrace it. I know that may sound odd but I really did embrace it. I sat in the feeling of my fingers burning and stinging because I knew that it wouldn’t last long. I sat in the sensation of my toe aching and throbbing because I knew before long I would be toasty warm and dancing on them in my kitchen while cooking. I could feel alone, having not seen a car or another person exercising in 3 miles.  Or I could revel in the silence and peace that came with being alone as I knew that my house would be filled with people and noise in just a matter of hours. 

As I rounded the corner that turned into my driveway I could almost feel the warm shower, the heat of the home, the smell of the food, the laughter from people whom I love, the compassion and love that would be thrown at me from multiple people. What I couldn’t feel was the uncomfortableness of the icy november rain, mostly because I wasn’t focusing on it. 

So, if you find yourself running in the icy november rain, feel free to embrace those feelings because they are real, but also realize that they are short lived and your Thanksgiving bounty will be served shortly.

Looking for keys

Remote viewing is something that takes a back seat and gets little of my attention. It is a gift that I want to work with and progress but the reality is that I don’t prioritize it. It is something that I should be practicing daily,  however, I fall short.  My father asked if I could remote view the keys that he had lost. It had been about 3 weeks since he had seen them. I would be at his house the next day,  but the first thing I received in my mindseye was actually the location that they had last been, where he had gotten them from before he lost them. He looked and couldn’t find them. The next day when I arrived we looked again in that spot, not there. 

After watering house plants I got dressed for a run. It is one of my favorite places to run.I have done this run more times that I can count. My body knows the run inside and out, which means that the run always flows. This day was no exception. The space between  my body and the pavement doesn’t exist. The space between my body and fields doesn’t exist. I spilled into the river and it spills back into me. My heart soared in the clouds and the clouds passed freely through my body. I am the trees, I am the grass, I am the river, I am the birds, I am the hills, I am a ray of the sun, I am the universe. 

I could feel him next to me as I turned and headed back towards home. 

“You aren’t focusing” he said.

He was correct, I was not focusing on anything except the pure sense of joy that I was standing in….. Rather, running in. 

“Mmmmmmmmm” I replied back, not caring to ask what he was referencing. 

“The first place that you see is always where the item is normally located, the second is where it is currently located”. I understood that he was talking about how I interpret remote viewing.

I didn’t need to tell him that he was correct, he already knew it. For a moment, I was snapped back into my body. I knew instantly where the keys were located. With the next long blink, I surrendered to the energy of my run again. 

When I got back, I went and got his keys exactly where I had seen.