I had to relinquish the human control that I was trying to exhibit. I had to turn around, lie back, remove my feet from the solid ground that I thought I wanted and allow the water to hold me.

We both knew what she was doing. She was holding space so that I could let go. It was a gift that I didn’t realize I needed and was so grateful to receive.

Suddenly there was movement outside of the window and then a “tap, tap, tap”. I leaned over to look at what was tapping. A bright red male cardinal tilted his head sideways, looked at me, tapped again and flew off.

Multiple times throughout the morning I had reached for my phone. I wanted to find comfort from a message or a call with someone else. A distraction, an avoidance, a momentary relief from my uncomfortableness.

I can only guess how many times I walked past them. They sat on my kitchen counter, in the corner, pressed up against my basket of essential oils. I am sure that I ran my eyes across them a million and one times, but I never saw them. I mean, I saw them, but I never SAW them.

As the water poured from the mason jar into the essential oil diffuser, I smiled. I believe in everyday magick. All day. Every day. I believe in doing things with intention and being purposeful.

It just doesn’t work like that. I can’t unsee you. I can’t unfeel your energy. I can’t find alignment where there isn’t.

I turned the water all the way to hot. I have always loved my showers really hot. I pulled the elastic from my hair and stepped into the shower.

“Don’t wash your hair” she yelled from the doorway.

Right, I thought to myself. I can perseverate in a place of needing to understand, or I can accept and move forward. My life wasn’t meant to be fitting in, I couldn’t do my life's work and also fit it.

I stared at her through the zoom screen, wishing that there was not so much space between us. We were talking about the area that she was staying in, Miami.