It was obvious to me that in trying to get attention and in trying to impress that I had been unwilling to show up vulnerably. I was showing up trying to prove myself and in that energy, I was proving nothing. At that moment, I changed.

Without realizing it, I went back to childhood. I was sitting sideways on a bench at my grandparents dining room table, in early spring, looking out the window while eating my lunch. My grandfather said “poor man's fertilizer”.  I didn’t understand what he was saying and I asked for clarity.

We walked out into the yard and started slowly walking around the property. I adored that he understood how healing nature was and at the young age of 11 already knew to use it as a tool when he was uncomfortable with something.

Sometimes, people need the opportunity to have dirty teeth and see how that makes them feel before they can make the choice to brush better and that is more than ok.

I was wildly uncomfortable and I wasn’t looking to be comfortable anytime soon. I wanted to lean into this discomfort and really look at it. I knew that as uncomfortable as I was, it wouldn’t last forever and it also wouldn’t kill me. There was nothing that I would look at that would be more than I could manage.

It is such a gift to experience yourself without walls. To look another person in the eyes with all your light and to let theirs radiate right back into you.

When I got all done having my fit, I allowed his feedback to fully wash over me. He was telling me how to be a better version of myself. The amount of preparation that I had done was irrelevant, the situation still remained the same, I needed to do more and it doesn’t matter what anyone else needs

I sat at a table, sipping coffee and chatting with him. We had only met in person a couple of times but I felt like I had known him forever. He was good friends with one of my spirit guides and it was easy for me to understand why. He was gentle, real and deep. He was safe and conversation between us was easy.

I wanted the discomfort to be physical, I really did, but I knew that it was energetic. I knew that there was nothing mechanical that had happened to my back and that there was no reason for this pain which meant that it was energy so all of the stretching and moving and heat would never work.

I slid my legs across the sheets as I climbed into bed. It was one of my most favorite sensations, my skin against clean sheets. I have always loved to slide my legs back and forth and wiggle in the freshly washed and made bed.