I stared through the zoom screen at her and recognized that I was hyper-focused on her body posture and everything that her body was telling me. I was listening to her words, but my awareness kept drifting to her body, and her body was telling a wildly different story than her words.

“Relax” I heard which brought my awareness to my physical body. For a moment, I almost laughed at myself as I observed myself in full contraction mode.

“She can’t handle anyone who doesn’t agree with her” she said.

I waited for her to elaborate on the statement.

“She will argue with my dad and try to force him to have the same opinion as her. It is stuff that doesn’t even matter, but she can’t handle it if he doesn’t share the same opinion.”

“Jerk” I said under my breath as I changed lanes to get away from the vehicle that seemed to be doing the same thing to everyone. I wanted to keep a safe distance from him because I didn’t think that the way that he was driving was safe and I wanted to keep a safe distance from him.

I blinked a couple of more times and then a warm wet tear rolled down my cheek. There was part of me that worried that if I started crying that I wouldn’t be able to stop. I was exhausted, tired to my core and feeling like I had nothing to give.

“Is everything ok? Why are you so cold? Did I do something wrong” she said.

The question and statement rocked me back on my heels. I was confused and honestly a little offended. I read the message over and over and felt my body respond with agitation. 

“I wish that I were a mom like you, but I just am not” she said. 

I laughed as I was snapped out of my thought pattern about the scent I could smell and back into the conversation. I wrinkled my nose at her, solidly rejecting the pedestal that she was putting me on. 

I recoiled away from the phone. There was a huge part of me that wanted to ask for clarity. What did she mean by this statement, what issues? Who had she heard this from? As I allowed the space to feel all of my feelings I recognized a couple of things. First, it immediately brought up defensiveness for me and I knew this was based on my own bullshit.

She almost never gives me unsolicited advice. It was one of the things that I loved about her. Occasionally, someone will ask me how my mother and I navigate living so close and being so involved with each other's lives and not fighting. The answer is simple and it is a singular word, respect.

I could hear him walking towards my room and pulled myself from the dream state that I had been lost in. The door opened quietly and he walked towards the bed. 

“Hi baby” I said softly.

“Mumma, I need you” he said.

I slid from between the warm sheets and blinked my eyes as I tried to wake up. I followed him out of my bedroom and down the hallway towards his room.