We showered together every night. The time was sacred to me and I never felt uncomfortable while we were naked together despite the fact that you could see all of me. I never felt uncomfortable which was odd because I wanted to crawl out of my own skin most of the time. You knew that I struggled with body image issues, I was open about it from the moment we started dating.
You wanted an additional minute or two in the shower and I felt the need to weigh myself for the second time that day. I got out, dried off and picked up the scale. I carried it out into the hallway. I searched for a place that was flat because the house is old and the floors ebb and flow, much like life.
I waited for the number to disappear then I walked back in and placed the scale back in its normal spot. You turned off the shower and opened the glass door. I casually smiled at you as I started to walk towards the door. “Erin”, you never called me by my name. I was “babe” or “bayba” and it made me stop in my tracks. I turned around and took a step back, I looked at you and as I made eye contact I sank into your soul. It felt like the space between you and I was gone, we were one, somehow merged for a moment. You were impaired, even so, I realized that you were having a profound moment.
“I can’t imagine what it feels like” you said with deep emotion in your voice.
I tilted my head to the right with a question in my energy.
“I didn’t realize how much you hurt over your body until tonight” you said without unlocking eyes.
It was days later when we spoke further about that conversation. We were out for a walk on one of my favorite paths. One that led into the woods, to a cabin, to a pond, and deep into my soul. We spoke freely about the fact that you were able to feel my emotions that night. It was the only time that you openly expressed to me that you were empathic, despite the fact that I knew you were.
It was more than a year later that I understood that while you may be empathic, you made an active choice not to tune into it. You couldn’t help but tune in that night because you were impaired. In a sober state, you avoided feeling others peoples feelings. You made a statement that left a print on my soul. It was one of those statements that changes your life and I knew it when it passed your lips; it was a statement that I would either crumble on or grow from.
As that reality sunk into me, and as I healed my bullshit, I realized I never wanted to be like you. I never wanted to have abilities and not use them. If the universe trusted me to have these gifts it was careless to make the choice not to use them. So, I stopped dodging my abilities and I sank into them.
