The arch of my foot rolled over the metal bar and my attention was focused on the way that it felt when my toes rolled off from the bar, only to shortly make contact with the next bar. My legs felt tired. My mind felt bored. This wasn’t my place, why was I here? I looked up to see him standing against the wall. He stood in his body from the end of this life. He was heavy set and while energy flowed from him and radiated in every direction, he looked tired. His arms were crossed over his chest, he leaned against the wall with his right foot over his left ankle. He belly laughed and I knew it was at me, not with me. His eyes disappeared when he laughed. I felt confused but knew that I was going to understand shortly. I kept running, the hamster wheel kept turning.
“What am I doing” I asked sheepishly.
“Great question, what ARE you doing” he responded and I could almost hear his inner child coming out as he asked. He took me on the best journeys and helped me to grow with every interaction.
I immediately understood that he was here to talk about relationships. I didn’t really want to have this conversation, but I also didn’t want to keep running on a hamster wheel.
I looked over again, now he was himself in younger days. He was still an enormous man, a huge soul being squished into a human body and just not ever fitting quite right. He was strong and had a slight air about him now. I loved when he showed up like this. When he showed himself in his experienced self he always came with additional tact and a gentleness that I often welcomed as it meant that I would learn from him asking questions and me exploring. When he showed himself in his younger self I knew he brought straight power and I was in for a direct lesson.
“Why am I on this (hamster wheel)” I asked with more bluntness to meet his power.
“You keep picking it” he said.
My arms pumped as I ran, around and around yet I was going nowhere. I was doing a ton of work with literally no ground to show for it. I started to feel pissed which only made me run faster.
“What, you can’t see that you are picking a different man with the same set of arms, the same chest, the same heart?” he asked.
I could feel my heart beating in my ears and I said nothing, I ran, I ran in place.
“At some point, you need to recognize that you are picking the wheel. You must like it” he said with a challenging tone.
“I do not” I yelled at him over the noise in my mind.
“Prove it” he said calmly.
I looked to the left only to realize that there was no side on my hamster wheel. I only needed to step sideways. I only needed to pick something different. I only need to be in control. I only needed to be present and see the wheel for what it was. My next step was lateral and just like that, the wheel stopped spinning. I stood panting with my hands on my hips, my head thrown back, my heart exposed.
“YES” he screamed from the other side of the hamster wheel.
I didn’t respond, I understood that it was the exposed heart that allowed me to step sideways off the wheel.
