Outgrowing

Outgrowing older versions of yourself is ok….. It is more than ok. Multiple years ago, I started shadow work and a focus on personal growth. Initially, I worried what people would think. People who knew wounded versions of me, who got to experience or watch my trauma and my wounds playing out in my reality. I worried what people would say about me if they knew the version of me that was suffering and reacting to the world from a place of pain. 

In the act of wondering about those things, I realized that I needed to continue to heal those wounds and one day it wouldn’t matter. The fact that I was worried about what people would think about my personal growth let me know that I had a bunch more to do because other peoples opinion of my growth is absolutely none of my fucking business. 

The reality is that sometimes we do or say things that can not be taken back and we damage a relationship with someone or damage a person's opinion of us to the point that it can not ever be repaired, that's on us. I solidly own those, those damaged relationships are a result of me not seeking healing earlier in my life. Sometimes, people judge us for outgrowing old versions of ourselves and healing our wounds and that is on them. It is solidly on them. For me, none of that really matters anymore. The experiences that I have had and the people whom I have crossed paths with, regardless of if they can support my growth or not, have placed me exactly where I am in life. Some of my largest growth moments have been from trauma and pain and, honestly, I wouldn’t trade the trauma if I was given the choice, as they have defined who I am today and where I am today.

Integrity

“Find your integrity, whatever that means to you” she said casually as she continued speaking about yoga and instructing. 

The statement rattled in my brain throughout the rest of the session and over the next couple of days. The statement followed me into the shower, up hills on my runs, washed dishes with me, stood at my desk next to me working, swept the floor with me and crawled into bed with me at night. 

“Find your integrity, whatever that means to you”. 

What does that mean to me? 

Can I be both standing in my integrity and also not, all at the same time?

Can I be standing in integrity on one topic and way off on another?

Can standing in my integrity be holding a boundary but allowing everything up to that point?

Can I move my boundary as I change?

Can integrity be a transition or does it have to be all at once?

Is alignment with my soul path and integrity the same?

Is the “best that I can do” integrity? Is it the best that I can do?

Can you do something with integrity that you do not want to do?

I decided that it was worth dumping more time and energy into. Throughout my day, I would ask myself if I was standing in my integrity. During conversations, during actions, during events, during moments of nothingness. The more that I asked, the more confusing and also the more clear it all became. I realized how frequently I compromised my integrity, not on huge things but on small things. The real question is “why”? Why would I compromise my integrity on small things, for example spending time on a task that my heart wasn’t in or continuing to speak with someone when I really wanted to be done with the conversation. This was a practice that I had done alignment with multiple times, but integrity is slightly different than alignment, for me anyways. It was a powerful experience and one that I am not done working on and through. It leads quickly to the path called “the bigger picture in life”. 

And so, I will say to you, “find your integrity, whatever that means to you” my friend.

Your opinion

Your opinion of my spiritual journey is absolutely none of my business. It is a statement that I have heard over and over again and believed.  But if I am being honest, I didn’t feel it on a deep level, I simply heard it. I was forced to face this a couple of weeks ago. I was forced to feel this, and I made the choice to feel it deeply. 

I was challenged on my spiritual journey, what it looked like and what it felt like. It wasn’t the questions that were asked, it was the tone in which they were asked that required me to dig deep on this topic. I knew in the moment that the conversation was happening, that it would be a learning and growing opportunity for me, and it was. In the moment, I responded from a place of truth and vulnerability but I will solidly admit that it stung, it downright hurt to have someone whom I trusted thrash judgement at me without knowledge of the situation. 

I spent a couple of weeks processing the conversation. It rattled in my head during runs, yoga, baths, walks and really anytime that gave me time to process. It is one thing to say “your opinion of my spiritual journey is absolutely none of my business” and it is an entirely different thing to mean it with every ounce of your soul. It was such a beautiful and intense lesson for me to learn, embrace and embody. 

The more that I processed the conversation, the more I realized that I was handing over power.  I was giving this individual power by allowing her opinion to matter to me, at which point I was forced to ask myself if that was what I meant to do. The answer was simple and came quickly, it was a solid and resounding NO. I asked myself why I was gifting this power and realized that it was external validation. While the desire for external validation was something that I worked hard to remove from my world, it became clear that it was still here, just in a different manner than I was used to seeing it. I was used to seeing it when I was seeking it. I had not realized that I could be struggling with external validation even when I was not the one seeking it but look…… there it was. It seemed so obvious as soon as I recognized it. Her opinion of my spiritual journey mattered to me, but only because I let it.  So, I took my power back and accepted that she could think anything that she wanted about my journey and that it would not have an impact on me. I refused to give away my power like that. 

It was also a beautiful reminder that I never get the right to have judgement about any other individual's spiritual journey. Your truths, your journey, your experiences are just that….. they are yours. If you honor your truths, your journey, your experiences as your own and innately perfect for where you are on your journey, then what someone else thinks about them really does not matter. Not at all. Not even a little.

Hill named shadow work

As the neckwarmer slid over my head it made my hair staticy, which didn’t matter because next I pulled a hat over my head. I slipped on my gloves and opened the front door. The cold air hit my skin like a wave. It was refreshing and real and raw. 

My eyes immediately found the sky, seeing the sliver of a moon that hung high in the sky. Early morning runs will always have my heart. As I ran the first hill staring at the moon I thought about the period of time, not long ago, that I immersed deeply into my shadow work and how much this run felt like those months. Those months felt like an uphill battle, they felt cold, they felt dark and like the light of the moon barely hung in the sky. While those months were intensely raw and vulnerable for me, they forced me to look at my shadows and heal the underlying wounds associated with them. Much like the hill that I was running up this morning, I fought hard to climb that metaphorical hill called shadow work. 

I came to the top of the hill and started on the flat. My body settled into the run and I felt great in my body, I sank into the run. As I relaxed into the run and my body found the rhythm of the run, I found myself sky gazing and watching the first light of the sun start to peek through the darkness. As the moon faded and a beautiful display of pink and blue took its place with a breathtaking red/yellow fire starting to rise in the sky, I realized that the sky felt like me now. With the shadow work fading into light I find myself relaxing into life, my soul finding its rhythm of this human experience and much like this morning sky the brightness and light of the morning sun rise has rained down upon my life, kissing every corner of my life and reminding me that once again the sun has come to light my world on fire. 

If you find yourself at the base of the hill named shadow work, know that at the top where healing lives you will find a beautiful display of light and love.

Creating Space

I committed to daily yoga almost 3 weeks ago and I was loving it. In the wee hours of the morning, almost always after meditation, I would find myself doing yoga to start my day off. Today, early in the session the instructor said “side bend with the intention of creating space” which led me down an introspective path about creating space. I found myself solidly in my head and not engaged with the instructor, which is exactly how it is meant to be. 

Creating space over the past 3 weeks has felt amazing and as I created the space in my body I realized how uncomfortable I had been. I realized how restricted I had been. I realized how limited I had been. Creating space resulted in almost immediate changes in my body and how I moved it in, walked, ran, danced, slept, everything was different. Everything was better. Creating space in my body was a wildly healthy decision. The only regret that I had about creating this space was that I had not done it for myself earlier. 

As I moved from one pose to another I thought about how much yoga was like life. I made a conscious decision to create space with multiple people in my life. It wasn’t until I had created space, made boundaries and held them, that I realized just how uncomfortable I had been. Space is much like silence, when you have it you often get clarity. Creating space with specific people allowed me the ability to separate what was mine and what wasn’t. It was incredibly powerful. The only regret I had about creating this space was that I had not done it for myself earlier.

Salty Mouth

As I ran the faint taste of salt hit my lip. I could taste it with each inhalation. Initially, it didn’t bother me but it did catch my attention. It had been more than 12 hours since I had seen a plow truck go by with salt. As I ran I looked at the pavement, it wasn’t coated in salt as it sometimes is after an ice storm has come through. The longer I ran, the more intense the taste got in my mouth. The more that I could taste it, the more I got to thinking about life. 

Have you ever done something and walked away without giving it a second thought? Don’t we all do this on a daily basis? It could be something fairly miniscule and it never crosses our mind again. It could even be something that we felt great about, something done to promote safety and wellness for ourselves and for others. 

Our days are filled with experiences and interactions, countless ones. Some are small and some significant, all can be impactful. Sometimes, the words that we say or the actions that we take are thrown out intending for good and in that moment we feel good about our words or actions and don’t think about it again. The plow truck throwing salt, for safety, had been gone for hours yet I could still taste the salt.  As our actions or words fade, they still have an impact, much like the salt on the road. And, much like the salt on the road, they can leave a bad taste in someone's mouth. 

It was a beautiful reminder for me to be careful with my actions and words and all that I am throwing out into the world.

Owl Sight

I could chat with her forever, I am confident that we wouldn’t run out of things to laugh about or chat about. We each only had a couple of minutes but fit in a quick chat on the phone. I decided to try to sneak in a brief walk while we chatted too. It was dusk, despite the fact that it was only 4:45.  It was unseasonably warm for December and I wasn’t about to miss a warm evening walk and the chance to watch the daylight fade. 

I walked up the driveway listening to her speak about fears that she had about not being good enough, not being smart enough, not being….. enough. She was telling me about getting some new oracle cards and how she kept pulling the same card, it was haunting her, about not being enough. I let her finish openly voicing her pain around this feedback and then asked her if she was pulling the card in reverse or upright. 

“Oh, I don’t know” she responded back quickly, “does it matter”.

She already knew the answer, of course the position of the card would matter. I asked her if she possibly, just possibly, the message was that her fear (and what she was throwing out to the universe) was that the situation would not work and that she wasn’t enough. The reality is that she is enough, every ounce of her is enough.The universe is mirroring back what she is throwing out. 

We went on to talk about a couple of other situations and then finished the conversation about seeing people for what they really are, even when they are good at presenting smoke and mirrors to confuse others. It is just as important to see ourselves with the clarity that we look at others with.

In true bold fashion, the universe confirmed this message. A large owl flew up and landed in the tree in front of me. I stopped in my tracks. I stopped speaking. I stopped everything and stared directly at the breathtaking animal. It stared back. Without movement we both stood looking at each other for what felt like forever. Just as quickly as the bird arrived, it left with the massive pumping of it’s large wings, into the darkness of the night. Owls are symbolic of paranormal wisdom, intense intelligence and the ability to see what is hidden to most.

Willing to shift

I had been cross legged in meditation for a period of time. My altar was sitting infront of me with a lemon candle burning. I am not sure how long I had been in that position,however it had been awhile. 

The universe and my guides were showing me something that they wanted me to step into. I asked what I needed to do to allow that energy to shift and come into my life. Immediately, my legs went numb and started to hurt, tingle, pinch, ache. I shifted my hips around, it wasn’t enough. I straightened my legs out, it wasn’t enough. I realized that I needed to change my position.  Without opening my eyes I rolled onto my stomach and placed my forehead onto my hands on the floor. The sensation immediately went away and I went back into meditation. 

Before I could ask what I needed to do again, the answer was so clear to me. I needed to shift myself, my mindset, possibly my body and to be open to a different position in life. I needed to be willing to change and not be so stuck in where I was. The moment I was open to this I got a sense of calmness that lay over me like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer. 

Stitching the wound

I knew the wound wasn’t healed. It was something that I had been working on. I guess, I guess I just didn’t realize how raw it was either. Yet, in the matter of one question and 3 seconds my wound was exposed and took my breath away. 

I was sitting curled in a chair in my kitchen drinking a glass of water after putting my boys to bed. He had already asked me about my business and I explained how I read energy and coach people on their own spiritual journey and healing process. His question was simple, “can you read me?”. It is something that I am asked on a daily basis and don’t skip a beat about, my entire business is built on it. 

In the flash of a second and in one sentence my insecurities and self-worth issues were served to me on a platter. My water was half tap water and half peach-ginger seltzer. I swallowed hard and the bubbles stuck in my throat the way that my words were. 

I had a choice. I could avoid my wound or I could start stitching the wound close. All of Samel’s judgement and harshness tore through me as if he were standing in front of me again. I had already allowed his words to come with me into my last relationship. I replayed “this” moment from my last relationship frequently. We were visiting his mum and aunt and playing a board game. Your cue was “grandfather” and I didn’t expect to be put on the spot like that. There is a process to opening for mediumship and while I can openly quickly it isn’t comfortable or fun. At the table, the world got quiet and confusing, it was one of my only experiences with feeling paralized by my own emotions. Despite the fact that I was at the table physically, I was actually far from the table, I was reliving him tearing me apart. My fear of experiencing him again absolutely paralized me. I can’t even remember what word I picked, something to do with religion, and as I pointed to the card I heard clear as day “I am Allen”. The name Allen was on the table. It was a profound experience for me, not because I didn’t demonstrate mediumship effectively,but because I allowed my wound to paralyze me. I swore that I wouldn’t do it again, I wouldn’t hand you that kind of power ever again. So, here I sat with the option of handing you my power. I took a deep clearing breath, welcomed the element of air to help me release, and with the exhale I started to read. 

“Oh my god Erin. You nailed it, on the spot”.

While the validation was nice, it wasn’t even the important part. When given the opportunity to run from my wound I faced it, I started stitching the wound shut, closing the hole that allowed my power to be given away.

2.5 feet deep

I woke and wiggled in my sheets. They were freshly washed and before my eyes opened I was met with the softness and newness of the clean sheets. I slid my leg between the sheets and sank into the sensation. I could hear that it was snowing, there is a muted sound when snow is falling and I was excited to see how much we had gotten. 

I slipped from bed and walked barefoot and naked to the bathroom. I slid on my robe, wrapped it tight around my body and peaked out the window. A blanket of white now lay where grass has been the day before. Snow still swirled in the sky and fell thick on the earth. 

As I stepped out the door, to start shoveling, I placed my earbuds into my ears and pushed play on my favorite folk playlist. I stepped off from the top step of my front door and realized quickly that we had gotten more snow than I originally thought. As I sank into the snow, up above my knees, I sank into myself. I sank into my divine feminine energy that I had been working so hard to embrace again. I had met her in the shower, in the kitchen dancing, on my runs, in my bath and in my bed,however I didn’t expect to meet her in the snow, yet there she was. As a single mom, responsible for the snow removal, I knew that I had a fair amount of shoveling ahead of me. Much like the strength card in the tarot deck I felt the fierceness of my power and the gentleness of her also. I felt the divine feminine flowy, juicy, sensual energy while also feeling my strong, powerful, physical strength as I shoveled snow. After an hour and a half of shoveling I felt tired and also empowered. With a happy heart I went inside to warm up.

The snow continued to fall in large flakes at what felt like a relentless pace. I worked at my desk with a cup of coffee, watching the snowfall and enjoying the energy. When I went out for the second round of shoveling I realized that this was truly when I was going to access my inner goddess and my divine feminine. Another foot of snow had fallen and I found myself shoveling the same areas all over again. Earlier in the day I felt strong and powerful which didn’t compare to how I felt now. Now I felt tired from already shoveling and from working, and the thought of having to shovel all over again felt slightly daunting. As I started the process all over again it became clear that this was truly when I was going to feel my divine feminine and inner goddess. It is in moments of weakness and fatigue that the power of these energies really become clear. After about the 10th shovel full of snow a calmness and deep sense of power came over me. I am not the victim; I am a strong, powerful and very capable woman. As that energy flowed freely through me I found myself enjoying the task again, and finding the joy in being outside in nature, using my body, and standing in my power.