Enough

Have you ever been in a situation where you were not enough? You never could be enough. No matter how hard you tried, it wasn’t enough. 

How did you respond? Did you try harder? Did you give up quickly? Did you defend yourself? Did you try to make yourself small? Did you stay true to yourself? Did you walk away slowly? Did you run? Did you stay? Did you fight for change? Did it drive you? Did it exhaust you? Did it make you? Did it break you? 

It is an interesting position to be in. I have been there a couple of times in my life. Both situationally and with relationships. Like so many things in life, there was a pattern to how I would respond. It wasn’t until I really saw myself, I mean really saw myself, that I saw the pattern. I needed to see the pattern to be able to heal the underlying wound that created the pattern. 

You see, I couldn’t own the pattern if I didn’t own my responsibility for the situation. When you can blame others for the situation, there is no pattern because it is other people and their behavior. It gets really hard to blame others if you hold yourself accountable for the situation and your reality. When you can’t blame someone else you eventually have to realize that there is a pattern and you are responsible. 

Well, fuck all. Right? I mean, fuck all. If I own the behavior and the pattern I guess I owe it to myself to own the healing and the growth too. It doesn’t do any good to identify a pattern and behavior, understand that you are ultimately responsible for your reality, and not change it. 

Change started by understanding the wounds related to the pattern. Change happened when I addressed and healed the wound. 

I am enough. I am. This I know, now. 

I created situations and experiences where I got the beautiful opportunity to realize that I am enough. Apparently, I needed to feel like I wasn’t enough to realize that I am. Not just to realize it, but to feel it in my soul.