Have you ever felt frozen? Have you ever felt stuck? Have you ever felt like you needed to break the cycle, needed to shift and move but didn’t know how?
I was struggling through my emotions. What was mine to own and what wasn’t mine to own? Actually, it was all mine to own. If I believe that I am responsible for everything in my life, then I am responsible for this situation. I felt frozen, unsure of how to own all of this situation, but acknowledged that I needed to figure it out.
I meditated by the fire and got messages but not everything that I was looking for. I tiptoed up the stairs focusing on the way my body responded to the change in temperature as I walked away from the warmth and light of the fireplace. I asked the universe to help me see what I couldn’t with my own eyes. I asked the universe to help me grow when I couldn’t see where to root myself. I drifted off to sleep clutched strongly to the knowledge that I am well supported in my growth from the universe.
I woke to the sound of rain, freezing rain hitting the windows and roof. I checked the clock only to see 2am. I recognized that I had been woken by spirit. With eyes wide open, I focused on hearing all of the messages being gifted to me, not letting my ego get in the way. Allowing the messages to flow through me, like the rain that was flowing outside my window.
This was a pattern of protection. One that came from a wound. I had a choice. I could sit in my pattern and feel stuck or I could sit in the uncomfortableness of change. I got to make the choice. What kind of uncomfortable do you want? Do you want the uncomfortable that you know, the cold and frozen pattern that holds you back or do you want the uncomfortableness of change? Do you want to be vulnerable and raw? Do you want to hand someone your trust and risk the chance of getting your heart hurt? Or does someone else have to pay for your previous relationship wounds? Do you want to work through the uncomfortableness of change and growth? I got a choice.
It was an easy choice to make. I wanted to be uncomfortable as I worked through growth. I wanted to accept risk and the chance of being hurt. In the darkness, listening to the rain hitting the window I made a choice to not be stuck anymore.
Sleep escaped me as I lay lost in my thoughts. Zoomed out, thinking about myself and my life. As the light of day found me, I knew that I was going to need to work through my pattern. Throughout the day I felt the need to shift and move my body, nothing seemed comfortable and I realized that I was carrying this pattern in my physical body. I eventually found myself on a run hoping that the movement would allow energy to shift in my body. What I wasn’t expecting, however likely should have expected, was sharp pain. I was about 10 minutes into my run when I got sharp stabbing pain in my solar plexus. I could feel my emotions rise and I took a deep breath. I recognized it for what it was, the discomfort of releasing something I hold onto so tightly for so long. I kept running and relaxed into the discomfort which started to shift and move. Suddenly, I felt like I was going to vomit. I accepted this and decided that if my body needed to purge the energy,I would allow that. I didn’t vomit, I didn’t even gag. I cried. Without a warning tears flowed freely down my face and I gasped to catch my breath between sobs. Just as quickly as the tears had started to flow they dried. I sniffed and cleared my throat. As I slowed my pace and ended my run I found peace and calm in my body that had not been there all day. As I released, I made room for energy that was in better alignment with what I actually wanted out of life. I don’t want to be frozen, I don’t pick frozen anymore.
