I was avoiding everything to do with my website like it was a plague. I was in a business meeting with the woman who made my website and she was showing me how to take over the reins and post my own blogs. I consider myself a fairly high functioning adult, I mean I can brush my own teeth, I pay my mortgage, I manage my children, I balance my life, yet I felt completely and utterly incompetent as she was teaching me about this simple website. It was as if I could hear her words but they were another language. I felt like I was on autopilot and I must have presented that way also, because she stopped.
“What is your resistance here? You manage your facebook and IG accounts without any issues” she asked.
In that moment I realized that there truly was resistance. I was avoiding the website and had never stopped to ask myself why. When she directly asked me, the answer came quickly and easily.
“It wasn’t my job” I stated with a hint of anger that even I could sense despite trying to mask the anger as it came out of my mouth.
She looked at me blankly through the zoom video.
“When I started the business he was going to do the marketing and manage the website. This wasn’t my job. I literally did not sign up for this” and as I said the words the anger dissipated and I could finally feel the real emotions behind the resistance.
She nodded her head and smiled gently at me. “I get it”
I looked at her through the zoom call as the emotions sank in and I got to embrace them.
“You haven’t looked at why you were resisting it, have you?” she asked.
“Nope, but now that I have, I get the opportunity to deal with it and move forward” I said with a smile.
We went on to finish the meeting and I went on to manage my own blog never asking her to post a single one.
Resistance is almost always a sign of a wound or unprocessed emotion. In this case, I am not sure how long I would have avoided all of the technology things related to my business if I had not stopped and looked at it. I could have avoided the question about resistance and shrugged it off as odd human behavior, but I made the choice to stop and actually respond. Shadow work can happen on many levels and it can look like many things. I will say that for me shadow work always looks like healing in the end, if I can really sink into the work and look at my wounds.
