Shadows on my Computer

I was avoiding everything to do with my website like it was a plague. I was in a business meeting with the woman who made my website and she was showing me how to take over the reins and post my own blogs. I consider myself a fairly high functioning adult, I mean I can brush my own teeth, I pay my mortgage, I manage my children, I balance my life, yet I felt completely and utterly incompetent as she was teaching me about this simple website. It was as if I could hear her words but they were another language. I felt like I was on autopilot and I must have presented that way also, because she stopped.

“What is your resistance here? You manage your facebook and IG accounts without any issues” she asked. 

In that moment I realized that there truly was resistance. I was avoiding the website and had never stopped to ask myself why. When she directly asked me, the answer came quickly and easily. 

“It wasn’t my job” I stated with a hint of anger that even I could sense despite trying to mask the anger as it came out of my mouth. 

She looked at me blankly through the zoom video.

“When I started the business he was going to do the marketing and manage the website. This wasn’t my job. I literally did not sign up for this” and as I said the words the anger dissipated and I could finally feel the real emotions behind the resistance. 

She nodded her head and smiled gently at me. “I get it”

I looked at her through the zoom call as the emotions sank in and I got to embrace them.

“You haven’t looked at why you were resisting it, have you?” she asked.

“Nope, but now that I have, I get the opportunity to deal with it and move forward” I said with a smile.

We went on to finish the meeting and I went on to manage my own blog never asking her to post a single one. 

Resistance is almost always a sign of a wound or unprocessed emotion. In this case, I am not sure how long I would have avoided all of the technology things related to my business if I had not stopped and looked at it. I could have avoided the question about resistance and shrugged it off as odd human behavior, but I made the choice to stop and actually respond. Shadow work can happen on many levels and it can look like many things. I will say that for me shadow work always looks like healing in the end, if I can really sink into the work and look at my wounds.

Dowsing for a calf

You may or may not know this about me. I was raised on a farm. I loved it. I learned about the life cycle. I learned about hard work. I learned about family. I learned about nature. I learned about the universe. 

I own a little farm now myself. The neighbor keeps his cows here.  It doesn’t feel like home unless there are cows in my pastures. I wait for the spring morning when they arrive and I am sad in early winter when they leave. 

Each morning I water the cows while I water the gardens and the chickens and dance my faery soul around the property. It is my morning routine. It involves a nightgown, a cup of coffee, a watering can or two and every ounce of my happiness. It makes me whole and it starts my day in a way that brings peace and happiness.

Yesterday, something felt off. I felt it inside my body as clearly as I can feel a truth or lie. The cows were holding their bodies in a different manner and made noises when they normally do not. I spoke with my mother about it and she agreed. I walked all through the pastures and counted the cows to ensure that they were all there. They were all there yet I felt no better. Unsettled was the word that I would use to describe the cows, and they are normally faithfully settled. I felt deep in my soul that there was a cow out in the woods outside the pasture yet all of them were accounted for. 

This morning as I watered I didn’t dance. In fact, I felt a little sick inside. I picked the vegetables quickly and carried them back to the house. It was early and the sun was just rising. I ran up the stairs to my mothers place with a pail of cukes and squash. Before I could tell her that something felt wrong she said “something isn’t right with the cows”. I responded back that I knew, I felt it too and I was waiting for an appropriate time to call the farmer who owned them.

I walked along the treeline and as I walked I immediately got a sense that there was an ill animal close to me. I stepped over a stonewall and instantly knew that I was by the sick animal. I was chatting on the phone with my father about my son who was going to visit for the day. I remember saying “there is something here” and him asking what I was talking about. I felt the animal and started looking. I laid eyes on fur only feet from me and slowly stepped back. No animal that was healthy would let me walk that close to it during daylight. I walked back assuming that it was a rabid animal. 

As morning drew on I decided it was acceptable to call the farmer, he was out of town for a funeral. I explained that I had walked the pastures and that the cows were all there but that something was not right. I felt it deep in my soul. He is sweet and said that he would come and walk in the woods around the pasture when he got home in the afternoon to see if there was something upsetting the animals. He told me that likely one of his cows was in heat, I didn't agree. I had seen cows in heat a good many times and this wasn’t a heat. We talked about the fact that it could be a neighbors cow who was out of her pasture and agreed that I would call him. 

I spoke with the other neighbor who agreed that he would check it out. He went down the treeline and checked it.  He called me back to tell me that there were no signs of cows out there and that everything was fine. I wanted to yell “bullshit” but instead I said “ok”. 

I put on my boots and walked out in the woods again.  I felt it in my body and I decided that I wasn’t going to be told no. I knew it as a truth. I let my body lead me. I walked straight up to the animal again and this time it moved. I jumped back. I went back to the house and got my ex, who was visiting my children, to come back with me. I explained that I felt that there was an animal that was ill and I needed another person to know that I was out there with the animal. He asked if he should bring something to kill it with, in the event that it was suffering. I immediately wrinkled my face and said “NO”. We walked out and back to the animal. At this point it had wiggled out from under the bush and rather than just traces of fur you could see an actual animal. “Oh shit, it’s a calf” I said as we stepped up to the stone wall. I turned around and ran back to the house to call the farmer.  The farmer didn’t realize that he had a pregnant cow. It meant that this animal wasn’t well. The cow had tucked the calf somewhere on the treeline and the calf had moved out into the woods where the cow could not go because of the fence. The calf was likely hungry, likely dehydrated, likely didn’t have too long, given that it was 90 degrees and the animal had clearly not been cared for by the mom. 

I knew that the owner was still at a funeral so I called the other neighbor who is a farmer. He came down. He was surprised because earlier he went down the treeline and saw nothing. We walked out into the woods. I walked him right up to the calf but he couldn’t see her. When I pointed her out he laughed and asked how I even found her. I explained that I could feel her in my body. We peeked at the calf from about 2 feet away and then agreed to wait until the owner came home.

About an hour later, the owner showed up at my house. We walked out into the woods and the calf was gone. He started looking around and told me that he would find her. I felt in my body that he was going the wrong way, I just walked next to him and chatted. He asked me to tell him again how I found the calf so I talked him through the story. Eventually, I told him I was going the other way to look for her. He smiled and told me that the calf wouldn’t go that way. I said “ok” knowing that he was right, the calf should not have gone that way,but also trying to stay true to the feelings inside my body. He walked off and I closed my eyes. I center myself and then opened my eyes and let my body lead. Eventually, my body stopped and there, deep in the bush, berries and trees was the calf. I yelled to the farmer.  He smiled and said “how on earth did you do that”. I laughed and said “I felt her, in my body”. He looked at me for a long pause and then got ready to carry the calf out of the woods. As he carried the calf he said “I will remember you and this the next time I am missing something”

The calf was reunited with the mother and while she was dehydrated and hungry and struggling to stand, she started nursing and quickly came back to life. As he shut the door to the trailer with the mama and calf inside he looked over at me and said “I don’t really understand it all, but thank you because she wouldn’t have lived much longer”.

Back-Seat Driving

“There is a cop ahead” I said from the backseat. 

“What” my mom said back from the driver's seat. 

“There is a cop ahead” I said again with all confidence. 

As we rounded the corner we were able to see the cop.

“How did you know that” she asked without looking back.

“I don’t know” I said with little to no emotion.

Weeks later we were driving again. I was looking sideways out of the car.

“There is a cop ahead” I said.

“What” my mom said back to me from the driverseat.

“Yes” I said and went back to looking out the window. 

Moments later she saw the cop.

“Erin, how do you know that” she asked, again without turning to look at me. This time, I could feel her eyes on me from the rearview mirror but I did not look up. I was thankful that she wasn’t turning to look at me, somehow it made the conversation less real.

“I don’t know”

Silence. 

I continued to call out when cops were ahead of us on the road. When I was a young teen she asked me again. “How do you know when there is a cop”

“I think that they must have a radar in their car that my body can feel because it makes my heart feel funny” I said back with a question mark in my voice. 

“Ok” she said without more discussion. I appreciated the lack of conversation, because I was out of answers and she knew it.

I didn’t understand at the time that I was listening to my body. I have done it all of my life and as a child and young adult I had little understanding of what I was doing. In my 30s I got a crash course in listening to my body.

Cleaning my closest

To anyone watching, it likely looked like I was thrashing. In reality, I felt completely grounded and calm. I had come to the understanding that the volume of material things in my home, rather in my life, was a physical manifestation of unsettled energy. It was all a distraction, something to focus on so that I didn’t have to look deep within. Most of the physical objects in my home were not bringing me joy, so I began to ask why I had them, why I had purchased them, why I worked hard to pay for them and why I moved them around my home or worse, stored them in my attic. 

I was holding a large trash bag and placing item after item inside. To anyone watching, I may have looked manic, but in reality I was ecstatic. I was lighter and happier than I had been in a long time. 

After placing each item inside the donation bag, I felt the handcuffs that I had been wearing release. My ties to the material world were loosening. Rather than subscribing to societal norms, I started to set my own boundaries, my own limits, and embrace my own values. 

I didn’t feel the need to explain to friends and family and I didn’t feel the need to justify to anyone. As I stepped into my own power and my own self I stepped out of other peoples ideals and norms.

Full Moon Dance

The full moon has always called to me. As a child, I would leave my blinds open and look at it from my bed. I could feel the increased energy building up in my body in the days leading up to the full moon. Often, it felt like more energy than my body could contain, as if it needed to pour from every ounce of my body. I would frequently lie sideways and shuffle my feet back and forth in my sheets on the night of a full moon, almost as if I were running sideways on my bed. My body always felt like it needed to move to get the energy out, like coiling energy moving up through my body. 

As an adult, I still carry this same energy in my body leading into a full moon and if I am being honest I still shuffle my feet in my bed. However, I also work with the energy and use it to my benefit now that I understand it better. I work not only with the full moon but with all of the moon cycles. Naturally, our bodies try to work with the moon cycles and frequently we fight our own instincts; I have embraced a life where I try to avoid fighting what nature built into me.  Emotions frequently run high during the full moon making relationships, communication and sleep challenging. Recognizing this and working with it can allow for some beautiful growth in each of these areas. The lunar cycle is natural and it is my belief that all animals work with the lunar cycle.  We humans should stop trying to override it and start embracing it. When you stop fighting the things that are naturally happening in your body then life flows easier, for me anyways. 

In the 3 days leading up to the full moon I will set out water to charge in the moonlight. When water it left overnight in the moonlight it absorbs the higher energy of the full moon and all of the positive energy that goes along with the full moon. I often drink this water, clear energy off from crystals and rocks in my home, water my plants with it, add it to my children's water bottles and wash my body with it. 

On the night of the full moon I always have a ceremony where I light candles, set out crystals and water to charge and clear, create a sacred space and have a ceremony. The ceremony always involves asking the universe to help me release things that are not serving me (I do this on behalf of other people also!) and bring me the things that I need to help me on my life's path. 

I carried the candle and stones out on my portable altar and lit the candle. I placed the mason jar of water on the stone wall. I placed the list including the words that I was working on manifesting under my portable altar. I set my offerings to the faery folk, the earth and the universe out under the tree. I slipped out of my robe and started my ceremony. For me, ceremony is about placing additional intention behind the words and the requests. Similar to prayer, it is about calling in additional energy and support and channeling your energy into something. 

As I step sideways in my brain I allow in the universal energy that I hold so dear. During the full moon, universal energy and spirit communication is easier and flows more smoothly.  So as I step into the ceremony, the spirits who I work with step up next to me. This ceremony was focused on what I needed to release to allow new growth into my life. Much like a trust fall, my head tilted backwards, my arms spread wide, heart wide open and I handed over human control. Just like that, I knew I did not need to carry the burden of this life. I knew that behind me stood a team of spirits and the universe ready to catch me and gently place me right where I needed to be. 

In true full moon glory, he stepped next to me with wild hair, intense energy and no clothing. He was supporting me as I thrashed through some shadow work and personal growth. He hooted at the moon, howled at the moon, yelled to the moon. At that moment, I realized that I was still uncomfortable in my skin as I shook my head and tried to refocus my energy. I realized that this was a teaching moment. “Fuck it” I said outloud as I danced naked in the moon hooting and screaming with him. The energy of my inner child was something that I used to hold dear and had lost with a relationship trauma. He was hellbent on helping me own that inner child once again. My other closest spirit guide stood by the stone wall shaking his head and smirking at us. He wasn’t about to lower his “standards” to this level, but I appreciated his energy there nonetheless. 

As the dancing and hooting calmed and the energy refocused on the task at hand, I felt his energy shift to deep work. His large thumb ran across my forehead and then under each eye. I wasn’t sure what he was painting on me but I understood that it was moon energy. As he painted he said "may I never get so rigid, and may I never get so bold, that this life is not something that I enjoy as it unfolds". We repeated it over and over again.

I worked with that energy all month. As the lunar cycle flowed into the waning moon I was able to release the things that were no longer serving me, which left room to enjoy this life as it unfolds. 

When you feel torn, let in light and growth

I was running and quickly realized that the town had come through a “trimmed” the tree limbs and brush back from the edge of the road. It always makes me cringe. I hate seeing the way that the limbs and branches are torn and shredded. I think about what it must feel like to the tree. I understand that it is required yet whenever I see it I feel sadness. As I ran and looked at the mutilated ends of the branches I started to think about humans.

Have you ever had someone enter your life who shred the very limbs that you hold sacred?  Have you ever had someone enter your life who mutilated parts of you that it didn’t occur to you to protect?  Have you ever had someone enter your life and rip parts of you off as they leave without even a second thought? Yeah, me too. 

Human relationships can be like the relationship between this machine and the trees. Everyone is present, everyone is involved but oftentime one comes out wounded while the other leaves and appears to be just fine. 

I kept running and at this point my gaze had softened and I was no longer peering at each branch and limb that was mutilated and destroyed. Instead, I softened my gaze and spent time in my head. Quickly, I realized that while the tree may be hurting right now, change was coming. The removal of those limbs and branches would allow more light into the rest of the tree. The removal of those limbs and branches would allow for new and different growth that may otherwise never have occurred. 

I have had my limbs and branches torn from my tree, mutilated and ripped away from my core. Much like the tree, it was painful in the moment, but it brought light into my life. It brought a new beginning and fresh opportunity for growth. I remember how raw my wounds felt when it first happened and I also remembered how much light I felt from the universe. 

As I ran, I spread wishes all along the road to each tree and bush that I passed and wished that they focus on the light and growth that was coming their way.

Digging Out Fear

I was drawn to her energy the moment I met her, before she spoke. Someone's energy introduces them long before they open their mouth. The art inside her body came out with waves of love. She was innocent and bright, she was kind and she was good. She walked up to the picnic table with another friend. I had never met her but I recognized her energy immediately. 

I would go on to read for her a couple of times before we developed a friendship. I was blessed enough to get to support her through her opening process. It is like standing in the grandstands cheering for someone with everything in your body. 

Fear limited her ability to open, as it does so many of us. It wasn’t cut and dry because there was nothing cut and dry about her. The fear flowed through her, it was wrapped in a beautifully artistic way all through her. It was woven into her mind and heart, it was twisted in her throat, it sparkled as it danced through her sacral chakra. 

She came with big plans in this life, big goals and big aspirations. She was tethered and caught by fear, it kept her steps small and her thoughts grounded. I decided that I would have a ceremony with her around removing the fear from her body and soul to allow her to move forward with her opening. I set the intention of meeting her in dream state; interlocking fingers with her and pulling the fear from her body. She needed support but we are the only one who can heal ourselves. We interlocked fingers and pulled the fear from deep within her. She didn’t know that I was having this ceremony so when I started the ceremony I expressed that I only wanted this for her higher good and she needed to accept it for it to occur. She had been very clear that she was open to whatever support I could offer her spiritually, so I felt like I had permission for the ceremony and I also knew deep in my soul that if it wasn’t for her higher good and she needed that fear woven deep in her body that it would stay that way.

The next morning, I received a text from her “Real quick….. DREAMS last night. You came to me and you were literally DIGGING out my fear with your hands. Like scooping it out. And then there was another spirit guide figure as well…..showed up as a doctor/musician….. Message was expressing your truth to the world”. 

I was out running when her text came in. I picked up the phone and called her. I told her how impressed I was. Spirit communication comes to us at night when we dream because our frontal lobes are far less active. The frontal lobe is what tries to reason and put us in a “box” that can all be explained. When the frontal lobe is less active we are allowed to explore and interact with universal energy. I believe that my exact words were “fuck yes woman, you fucking GO”. I then went on to explain what events happened for me last night and to clarify that our hands were interlocked, that she was active in this healing process and ceremony. Noone else can heal us, it is our job and while we can access support, we are the only ones who will ever heal ourselves. I needed her to understand this on a deep level, mostly because I couldn't have her giving me that kind of power, it was hers to own and hers alone.

The art attached to this blog is a piece from her. It is about picking love over fear.

Trusting My Body

I relaxed into my run almost immediately. I expected to be sore and slow as I had run fast the day before. The day was hot, almost 90 degrees, and I felt great. I was running fast again and my mind was wild with words and thoughts that were not my own. 

A wind blew in, the air shifted and felt like rain was coming. I welcomed the cool breeze and the clear air. I turned around and started home, realizing that all of the windows in my home were open. 

Autopilot, it’s what I call the mode that my brain gets into when I run. I was in full-fledged autopilot and loving every second of it. Suddenly, my body felt off. It was perplexing because I felt so great up until that exact moment. Normally, it is a sign that I need to extend my stride and take a larger step. My body wanted me to slow but my mind told me to increase my stride, that I had felt great to that point. It was only about 2 or 3 large strides before I got immediate and sharp hip pain. I slowed my pace to just shy of a walk for 2 steps and then a large dead branch fell from a tree as the wind blew violently. It was about 3 feet from me when it hit the road and pieces of it flew up and hit my legs, chest and sunglasses. I didn’t even have time to put a hand over my face before the debris hit me. 

I took one large stride over the branch on the road. Without a thought, I screamed “I love you, thank you” to the universe. My hip pain was already gone and it was obvious that it was the universe's way of protecting me. Your body won’t lie to you, learn to trust it.

Happy Father's Day

My favorite rocks used to rest on my earlobes, fingers and around my neck. As I stepped into my spirituality, everything in my life shifted including my mindset…… most importantly my mindset. 

It was a 4th of July hike. I frequently hike with my father on the 4th but this time was special because he was hiking with us.  Hiking has always been something that fuels my fire for life. Really anything that immerses me in nature makes me feel alive. This day was no different. 

On the way up, we spotted a rock that called to me. On the way back down, he picked it up. He and my father took turns carrying the rock down the mountain. 

It remains one of my favorite rocks and rests in the garden at the entryway of my home.  My love for rocks that rest on my earlobes, fingers and around my neck has almost vanished and my love for rock that rests in my gardens, under my bed, holding my doors open, and in almost every corner of every room has intensified. 

One of these men is no longer in my life and one will never leave me. My father is much like this rock, he is solid, he is pure, he is intense, and he holds space for me when I need him to. Happy Father’s Day!

Understanding that I was a Medium

She was my father’s cousin and I met her when I was about 4, possibly 5. She would come to the end of my bed and stand there. The hair would stand up on the back of my neck and I could feel eyes on me, even though no one was in my bedroom. Those were my first feelings of spirit communication. When I felt those sensations I knew that if I opened my eyes that the girl would be there, and there she would be.  I knew that she was trying to talk to me, but I didn’t know what she was saying. I knew that she was not alive, but I was never scared. I told my mom about her once and my mom explained that it was just a dream. You can feel truth inside of your body, I knew it wasn’t a dream. I knew it with everything in my body.  

Christmas Eve was always spent at my great grandmothers’ home. As a child it was a level of excitement and magic that was hard to wait for each year. All my cousins and my second cousins would be there. The house would be crowded with people and the smells of all the home-made goodness would meet you before you even entered the home. I would be forced to wear tights and a dress, which was the only part of the night that I didn't enjoy. My cousin Louisa and I were about a month apart in age and she was my partner in crime for just about everything as a child, I saw her daily. We were standing by the piano waiting for our turn to ring the strap with the jingle bells on it while making the loop around the home. Each set of cousins got a turn, and waiting for your turn was like waiting for dinner…. It was almost more than we could take as children. 

I was looking at the piano and saw the girl who stood at the end of my bed. In the photo she was wearing a sweet, pale blue dress. I looked at my mom and told her that that was the girl who comes and stands at the end of my bed. My mother leaned over close to me and explained that this couldn’t be true because this picture was of my dad’s cousin who had died. Mom was whispering because she didn’t want to upset any of the family with the conversation. I started to open my mouth to tell her that it was the girl, I had no doubt, but before I could say anything my brother and cousin came back from their jingle bells loop and it was my turn with Louisa. Off we skipped ringing the bells and I couldn’t have been happier at that moment. 

Later that night, I walked into the back stairwell and my dad’s cousin was playing the flute. I loved to listen, so I sat on the bench for a minute and there stood the little girl. She danced up the stairs, weaving between the people who were sitting on the steps. Her energy was light and airy and there was a flow about her movement patterns that I loved. I watched her and I realized that none of the people in the stairwell were tracking her with their eyes, they didn’t see her. At that moment I understood that I was seeing something that my family was not.