No Wrong way to love

There is no wrong way to love. That is my truth and I will solidly stand in it. There is no limit and no barrier on what love could or should look like. I adore people who follow love in whatever capability that looks like to them, rather than letting society dictate what that love should look like. In a society that is in desperate need of love, I find it ironic that our society also tries to put limits on what that love can look like. 

What if, rather than trying to make love fit into small boxes that are neatly labeled we let love expand and flow freely? What if rather than coaching people on how to keep love contained and limited, we coached people on how to embrace deep and full love in whatever format that looked like? What if we taught people how to sink deeply into love and understand how and what love looks like to them? What if we taught people how to be open to love? What if we focused on how love felt, rather than how we thought about love? 

For a moment, I want you to go back to a memory when you felt complete love and when you gave complete love. Now, rather than thinking about it, I want you to feel it. What does it feel like in every cell of your body? What does it feel like in the energetic field around you? What does it make your home and your life feel like when you are standing solidly in that moment? 

Now, what if you held that emotion and carried it with you all day everywhere that you went. Could you imagine the impact that it would have on the world, even just your world? Now, what if you held that love for yourself so you could carry it everywhere you went? What if?

Shape Changer

He warned me that his father had a strong personality. I liked strong and I liked personality so this didn’t scare me. He warned me that he would push my buttons. It wasn’t until almost a year later that I realized that I truly loved having my buttons pushed.  It was an avenue to find a wound, and without finding the wound it is hard to heal it. At the time, I didn’t have enough self-love to have my buttons pushed and enjoy it. 

I genuinely enjoyed his father's energy, which was hard for him to understand because they struggled on many levels. I could talk with him for hours.  While there wasn’t a genetic bond with his oldest son (my closest spirit guide) they embodied many of the same energies. It wasn’t surprising to me, once I got to know them both, that they found each other and agreed to be family. His father would stand just outside someone's comfort zone and poke them with words enough to make the person squirm in their seat. His father would do this poking with fliration in his voice, confidence in his core and growth in his words. The bluntness and emotional disconnection in which they both demanded growth was humbling, and also exactly how I liked to be challenged. 

This was early in our interactions.  We were still getting to know each other. Samuel told his father about me and his father knew that I was a medium and interacting with his late son. I often thought about what it must feel like to meet someone who was claiming to interact with a child whom you lost too early. 

We were walking outside and he asked with a levelness and calmness in his voice that I can still feel. “So, you like gardening. How long have you been doing it”

“I love it, it is seared into my soul. I have been gardening all of my life. It was taught to me as a child and woven into every aspect of my life” I said back.

We kept walking. I realized that his questions were deeper than words, he was digging into my soul.

“You like being a mom?” he asked.

“I love it.” I said but didn’t feel like I needed further explanation. I truly loved it and it was that simple. 

“Are you a shape changer?” he asked. The question was blunt and caught me off guard. 

“What do you mean” I asked as I felt my hackles coming up.

“Are you pretending to be what my son wants?” he asked. 

It evoked an immediate and intense response from deep inside my body. How dare you question the very things that make me who I am? How dare you press me on the things that I hold dearest and closest to my heart. How dare you imply that being with your son was worth being a shadow of who I am. Instead, I said back “Gardening and being a mom are core parts of who I am”.

Some of things that define me as a human include being a mother and farmer.  They rest in my body like a truth that I could never deny. It wasn’t until about 18 months later that I realized his questions were just words. They were literally just simply words strung together. They were so much more than words. They were flashlights, rather floodlights, giving insight into a wound that I wasn’t ready or able to heal at that moment….. I wasn’t even willing to call it a wound because if I did then I would have to address it and it is easier to deny something than to own it and need to address it. At the time, I didn’t understand that me being triggered was because I had a wound.  It happened to be a deep wound around self-worth. What his father was triggering in me was my own fear that I needed to change who I was to make his son love me.  It took me a lot of tears and work but ultimately I healed that wound around self-worth. 

So, now if he asked me the same question I would respond differently. “Gardening and being a mother are core parts of who I am, they light my world up and fill my cup. I am being true to myself and your son happens to like that about me. Gosh, I hope that I change shape. I hope that I never get too rigid to grow and learn and change. I want to evolve and grow into a better version of myself.  But if you are asking me if I am changing who I am to impress your son the answer would solidly be no.”

At the time, it was easy to say that he was being an ass. Now, it is easy to say that I had unhealed wounds and self worth issues and his words made them obvious in 2 seconds. It is ok to own your bullshit. Actually, it should be required.

Finding Bullets

We had been out playing and hiking on the land. We all stood on the landing and the boys were playing while my father, brother and I spoke. We were talking about life paths and staying true to them. We were talking about the collective awakening to spirituality and all of the life changing benefits. We were talking about happiness and simplicity. We were talking about life. 

My oldest son came and asked if I had a pendulum, he wanted to look for another bullet. The boys had found one and they wanted to find more. I told him that a pendulum always sits in my car in the small box where most people put keys and change. He nodded and went to find it. I had taught all three of my boys to use pendulums.  Dowsing runs like a vein through our family, almost like a right of passage. 

We went back to speaking about the elements and working with them. Teaching has always been a core part of my being and in the past 3 years it had become clear to me that I wanted to teach about spirituality and how to embrace it. If I am being completely honest, I want to teach people how to find happiness, and my personal truth is that getting right with who you are and what you want out of life are huge steps to happiness. It is hard to be out of alignment with who and what you are and be happy. Happiness comes from different places for everyone, this isn’t cookie cutting, it is life and it looks different for everyone. I want to help people find their own path to happiness and give them tool to help with their own spiritual awakening.  

My oldest had been using the pendulum and voiced that he was frustrated that he found 2 bullets and now the pendulum was lying to him. I asked what he meant. He said that the pendulum told him that there was a bullet right “here” but he didn’t see it. I walked over and about 6 inches from where he was standing I found the bullet tucked under some bark. I picked it up, smiled and handed it to him. It was a beautiful reminder for him to believe in himself. It was a beautiful reminder for me that sometimes people need things pointed out for them even if they are looking right at them.

The bottle labled HAPPY

My son threw his head back when he laughed. I love that he does this too. I have had it pointed out to me before that when I am authentically laughing and present in the moment that I throw my head back when I laugh. 

The day was simple, I was raking leaves and he weaved between the stone walls and leaves laughing and playing tag with my brother. The sun was bright and the sun was high in the sky. Despite the fact that it was fall, the sun felt hot on my face and arms as I raked. There was a musty, earthy smell that is hard to capture in words, but easy to embrace with every breath. I closed my eyes under my sunglasses and just stood for a minute. I wanted to freeze time and bottle it. I wanted to be able to experience it over and over again. 

He let out a squeal and then more head back laughing as my brother chased him. I picked him, I wanted him, I made him and I am proud to be his mom. Watching my brother be a phenomenal support for my son melts my heart. While I made my son, and it was a choice to be his mom, there is no way out of the responsibility of parenting him. There is no walking away from being a mom. My brother has the option to walk away at any point, being a supportive adult to my children is not his responsibility. It has never been his responsibility, it has been his choice. He makes it over and over again. He makes it when the sun is shining and the boys are laughing. He makes it when the skies are stormy and the boys are struggling. He makes it, actively makes the choice. I am so proud of the man who my brother has grown into and I am so proud to have him as a prominent energy in my boys lives. Surrounding myself and my boys with people who throw relentless love and support our way is one of the best choices I have ever made. While it sounds obvious, surrounding yourself with people who demonstrate what you are seeking is instrumental. 

There have been phases of my life where I didn’t want to bottle the energy up and save it. But, this….. this phase of life is what dreams are made of. The label on the bottle would clearly read “HAPPY”. 

Empting my buckets

My hands tightly gripped the handles of the watering cans. My bare feet pressed against the brick path leading to my driveway. The bricks were cool, yet still welcoming. The early morning energy was palpable and calming. As I stepped into the sunlight and felt it hit my bare legs and face, I instantly felt my body let go of tension that I didn’t realize I was holding. 

The bushes that I was going to water were ones that I transplanted from a couple different mama bushes on my property earlier in the year. Asking a mama plant for a baby and transplanting it brings a level of happiness into my soul that extends far past this lifetime. Farming is woven deep in my soul and I am profoundly grateful for that. 

I walked this exact path daily with watering cans infused with love. My eyes closed yet my body knew the path. With my eyes closed the feedback from all of my other senses became more intense. The way the driveway felt on my feet made me feel grounded and connected with the earth. The crisp smell of the fall air mixed with the musty smell of the fallen leaves made the most perfect aroma that felt as if it were soaking into me through every pore of my body, and not just my nose. 

I reached the bushes and slowly started pouring water from the cans. As the water streamed and flowed back into the earth I felt my tension, my fear, my resistance flow right along with it. I stood with empty buckets, I no longer held resistance and fear. I watched a wooly bear caterpillar crawling. Just like I know that farming is woven deep into my soul, I also know that I am right where I need to be in life. Standing quietly in the early morning sun with bare feet, empty buckets, and a full heart.

Snake Staff

The aftermath of the storm was all over my yard and driveway. Sticks, branches, leaves peppered my property. I walked out the front door and smiled. Nature sure does have a way of releasing things that are no longer useful or serving her.The storm was no exception. The trees released old branches and leaves. It is similar to what they do in the fall, first a stunning display of color and light and then a flurry of releasing. I imagine that it is an act of self love, protecting the tree's energy. Releasing something that does not serve us can be hard, but at the end of the day, it is about protecting yourself. 

I walked barefoot up the driveway and my youngest son chatted at me about the sticks on the driveway. I started picking them up and dragging them towards the burnpile and before I knew it you were standing there. Today, you were in full costume including a wrap, a headdress and a shield. I laughed at you as you put on a performance in all of your glory. I kept walking down the driveway dragging brush. 

“Halt” you shouted at me.

I turned to look at you and realized that you wanted one of the branches. I let go of the brush that I was dragging and picked up the stick. It was nothing short of perfect. I had been looking to make a snake wand but the universe had more grand things in mind. Placed lovingly, by nature and the universe, in my path was a snake staff. After I picked it up, I looked into your eyes which sparkled like crystals, your face lit and you belly laughed. While your hands no longer make art, I will allow them to make art through me. While your voice no longer has a mouth to speak, I will allow you to speak through me. While your hands no longer write, I will allow you to write through me. While you are no longer in physical form, I will not stop that from allowing me to learn from you.

Just like that, I embraced the way that trees release. I released guilt and fear around what anyone else would think of my relationship with spirit.

Gifts........ love language?

Learning to love myself was a process. A painful, messy, beautiful process that I am so profoundly happy that I went through. Looking at myself, doing the shadow work and healing my wounds was some of the hardest and best work I have ever done. Falling in love with myself and learning to treat myself in a loving manner took a large shift in mindset. 

My love languages are solidly quality time and physical touch. That is how I interpret love from others but also how I show myself love. I spend quality time with myself, running, walking, writing, and baths are just some of the examples. I embrace physical touch through physical acts like running, walking, hiking, gardening, and washing my sheets and wiggling in between them focusing on how they feel on my skin. The most important relationship that I will ever have is with myself, yet it took me decades to understand and embrace that. 

Gifts are not something that equate to love for me and they never have. For example, if you buy me flowers at the store I may appreciate them but it doesn’t feel like love to me, yet I do understand that it can be a loving act. If you pick me flowers, weeds, herbs or even grass then it equates to love for me. Mostly because it was meaningful time that you spent on me. 

I felt her energy on mine and didn’t want to take the time or energy to tune in and determine why, so I just picked up the phone and called her. I wasn’t sure if she was thinking about me, talking about me or needing me. 

She laughed as she picked up the phone, “ did you get vibes from me” she asked.

“I sure did” I answered back.

“Well, I made you something and I was writing you a note” she responded. 

A couple of days later a box arrived at my house. As I walked back from the mailbox I got excited. I don’t typically like gifts, however I knew that she had made something. I opened the box and read the beautiful note. She was thanking me for coming into her life and supporting her spiritual and personal growth. I slowly and carefully unwrapped the glasses. She went to the store and bought the exact glasses that I love. I am highly sensitive to the way glasses feel on my lips as I drink out of them and will only drink out of specific types because it ruins the experience for me otherwise. People who are sensitive to energy are often sensitive to everything else also; sensations, foods, temperatures, medications and the list goes on. On one glass she had etched “These are my truths” with a dragonfly and on the second she had etched “Own your shit”. Both of these are statements that I make regularly. I don’t like gifts, they simply are not my love language however this gift spoke directly to my heart and was absolutely my love language. 

Naked Wrists

I stopped wearing watches years ago. When you are a medium it can feel pointless to wear a watch. Spirits love to drain energy from easy sources like phone or watch batteries. When I made the decision to stop wearing a watch, because I couldn’t keep the batteries going to save my life, I didn’t understand that as the human with all of the control I was able to make a rule that the spirits who are around me could not drain my batteries. My decision to stop wearing a watch happened before I had good background knowledge of mediumship and what was happening. 

After I went through my significant opening I learned to create and hold sacred space. I learned to create rules and expectations for spirits who wanted to work with me. I no longer allowed spirits to wake me, unless it was an energy. I made them talk one at a time. I told them that I would not reach out to a human for them, they needed to make the human come to me. I no longer allowed them to drain my cell battery. I set rules and expected them to follow them.

My wrist is still bare,  I do not wear a watch despite the fact that I learned to create and hold sacred space and have rules with spirit. I realized during my time without a watch that I genuinely enjoyed not having a watch on. The act of constantly looking at the time rather than listening to my body and the earth was something that I happily released. The more that I tuned into me and the universe and the earth, the happier I got. The more I focused on the business of life, like constantly checking the time even when I really didn’t need to know what time it was, the less joy and happiness I felt. And, just like that I embraced a life with a naked wrist and I couldn’t be happier about it.

Feeling your feelings

We showered together every night. The time was sacred to me and I never felt uncomfortable while we were naked together despite the fact that you could see all of me. I never felt uncomfortable which was odd because I wanted to crawl out of my own skin most of the time. You knew that I struggled with body image issues, I was open about it from the moment we started dating. 

You wanted an additional minute or two in the shower and I felt the need to weigh myself for the second time that day. I got out, dried off and picked up the scale. I carried it out into the hallway. I searched for a place that was flat because the house is old and the floors ebb and flow, much like life. 

I waited for the number to disappear then I walked back in and placed the scale back in its normal spot.  You turned off the shower and opened the glass door. I casually smiled at you as I started to walk towards the door. “Erin”, you never called me by my name. I was “babe” or “bayba”  and it made me stop in my tracks. I turned around and took a step back, I looked at you and as I made eye contact I sank into your soul. It felt like the space between you and I was gone, we were one, somehow merged for a moment. You were impaired, even so, I realized that you were having a profound moment. 

“I can’t imagine what it feels like” you said with deep emotion in your voice. 

I tilted my head to the right with a question in my energy. 

“I didn’t realize how much you hurt over your body until tonight” you said without unlocking eyes. 

It was days later when we spoke further about that conversation. We were out for a walk on one of my favorite paths. One that led into the woods, to a cabin, to a pond, and deep into my soul. We spoke freely about the fact that you were able to feel my emotions that night. It was the only time that you openly expressed to me that you were empathic, despite the fact that I knew you were. 

It was more than a year later that I understood that while you may be empathic, you made an active choice not to tune into it. You couldn’t help but tune in that night because you were impaired. In a sober state, you avoided feeling others peoples feelings. You made a statement that left a print on my soul. It was one of those statements that changes your life and I knew it when it passed your lips; it was a statement that I would either crumble on or grow from.

As that reality sunk into me, and as I healed my bullshit, I realized I never wanted to be like you. I never wanted to have abilities and not use them. If the universe trusted me to have these gifts it was careless to make the choice not to use them. So, I stopped dodging my abilities and I sank into them.

Simply Happy

The boys were tucked into bed and were happily chatting. Bedtime had been peaceful and calm. I had started a pot of tomato sauce with my youngest before bed and was getting ready to can it. 

There is something about the energy of my kitchen that I simply love. I dimmed the lights and turned up the folk music that was playing in the background. As I layed out the pots and pans for canning I poured a glass of red wine. The crickets and insects outside were chirping and I adored listening to them as I knew that it wouldn’t be long before fall came and their noises would be gone. There was a slight breeze coming through the open windows and doors. I loved the way that the breeze flowed through the kitchen bringing all of the evening energy in from outside. There was nothing special about the night, it was a simple night. Yet, there was everything special about the night, it was a magickal night because I was alive and happy and the small details in life were catching my attention. 

It was a Friday night and I was home alone, unless you count the three beautiful sleeping boys. As I canned tomatoes and danced in the kitchen I got chatting with one of my closest spirit guides. He told me that I couldn’t dance, it was a common statement from him and I laughed and kept dancing. We made small talk and then he asked if I knew why I was so happy. The question made me stop for a moment and reflect, but then a song by Shakey Graves came on so I went back to dancing. He left silence and so did I. 

Eventually, I answered him “I am happy, as a person. I am finally happy. My soul is happy. My heart is happy. I no longer feel inadequate. I feel worthy of happiness and so I am happy. I no longer need external things or people or experiences to make me happy”.

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