Flickering Lights

As we walked into the house I felt nervous and excited all at the same time. I knew that I was nervous because I awkwardly moved my hands not knowing exactly where they should be as we walked down the path. I felt lucky that one of my hands carried a bag of food, so I was limited on how I was nervously moving that one. I had already tuned into her energy and I knew that I would really like her. Her soul carried a level of nurturing and comfort that felt safe. I wasn’t worried about liking her, I knew that I already did. I wasn’t worried about her liking me as a person, I knew that she would. I worried about her ability to process the fact that I am a medium. 

I am a strong believer that my truth doesn’t need to be another person's truth. I make that statement in each class and reading. We all have different truths and we all have the right to stand in our truths. We also all have the ability and right to grow and have our truths change. For example, the first time I was told that everything in my life was a mirror I disagreed. Almost 2 years later, that became a truth for me and something that I know and believe in my soul, but initially it didn’t feel true. As I grow spiritually and personally my mindset and belief system expand, change and grow also. My truth never needs to be another person's truth and I am finally in a place where I have addressed enough self love issues that a discrepancy in truth does not bother me. 

I knew she was unsure about the mediumship, specifically given her strong religious background, but I also knew she had an open mind. We walked in together and I wanted to cling to his arm and wrap my hand inside of his. I loved the security that he offered me but instead I stood a step away…… well, let’s be honest, a half step away. 

I could feel multiple spirits when we pulled up to the house. It didn’t surprise me given the three beautiful women who lived inside were all widows. Within minutes of arriving I watched the lights dim and brighten again. It happened a couple of times and then eventually they started to flicker. Spirits are energy, and it is easy for them to access electrical or electronic devices.  They can turn them on or off, or make them flicker when trying to get attention. I was still growing into my mediumship, I will always be growing into my mediumship as it is a lifelong journey.  What I really meant to say is that I was just growing confidence in my mediumship again after coming out of a difficult relationship that I allowed to shake my confidence in my abilities. I tried hard to be focused on the human realm that was present in front of me.  I typically spend most of my day with one foot in both realms, which feels comfortable and easy at this point, however I really needed to be grounded in the human world for this interaction. The lights continued to flicker. I asked to use the bathroom. Bathrooms have always been a place where I could pause and reset energy which is really what I needed. As I stood washing my hands I said “I see you, I feel you and I know that you are here but I can’t talk right now”. The acknowledgment was enough to make him stop flickering the lights.  Just like us humans, spirits like to be acknowledged and heard. 

While the lights dimmed and eventually went out on our relationship, I got the confidence and self love back to step into the light with mediumship. I will always be grateful for lights that flicker and lead the way.

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Do not lie to me!

We had an agreement. One that he looked me in the eyes and said yes to. It was clear, there was no question about the agreement. Despite the fact that he had lied to me many times before, I wanted to trust him. It had a direct impact on the health of my sweet boys and it simply did not occur to me that he would lie about this particular topic.  

I put the boys to bed and was picking up the kitchen. I realized that I was not present in the act of cleaning up, my mind had wandered and I was interacting with spirits, which happens frequently when I am performing a mindless task like cleaning. I cherish the ability to live solidly in both realms and feel blessed to get gifts from both worlds. 

I had a physical response to the information that I was receiving. Sometimes, when I receive information from spirit or the universe I wonder if it is accurate or if my mind is playing games with me, and need to confirm the accuracy of information. Sometimes, I have zero questions. At that moment, I had zero question about the accuracy of the information. We all have the ability to feel a truth or a lie in our bodies, it is simply an issue of tuning in and practicing it. At this point in my life, I use my intuition much like I use my ability to see, hear or smell. It is a sense that is always on and I use it for feedback much like I use the ability to see, hear and smell. 

The human side of me wanted to embrace the anger that had washed over me for a moment. The grounded side of me realized that I was being given this information for a reason. So, I calmed my emotions and handed control over to the universe, and why shouldn’t I? The universe was the one pointing this information out to me, wouldn’t the universe point out an immediate health risk if it were there? 

He walked in the next day, I calmly looked him in the eyes and said “I know where you were last night.” I paused and watched him squirm. “I don’t ever expect you to lie to me again” I said with every ounce of confidence and peace in my voice. 

“I am sorry” he said back, yet the words were empty. He never tried to deny it, he accepted that he had been caught and never bothered asking me how I knew.  We went on to have a conversation about why I needed honesty. Sometimes, I will call you on the lie that has been pointed out to me. Sometimes, I will silently adjust the way that I interact with you and the trust that I am willing to hand over to you.

Honesty is a statement of character.

It is just your phone

We were taking a walk in the woods and avoiding the fact that our relationship had fallen apart, to be honest it was dead. There was no real reason for it to be dead, hence the walk. Our conversation was forced and awkward, which was odd because it flowed so easily for our whole relationship. I told him how my girlfriend caught a faery on video and how excited I was for her.  

“Does she have an iphone” he asked.

“No, Samsung. Why?” I responded

“Because I think it's just something on the iphone (imply that it isn’t a faery)” he said. 

I recoiled like I had been hit. Words rarely give me a physical response that others can visually see, however his comment absolutely did. 

His words rattled in my head for days. Let me be honest, they shook me to my core. They rattled in my head for months. Was I crazy? I could see the faeries with my eyes and then catch them on my phone, was it all in my head? Why did I capture things on camera that most don’t? Is it just a glitch in my phone?

Earlier in our relationship he said that his friend wanted to see a picture of a faery that I caught, but when there wasn’t the moon or sun or light coming through. At the time, I remember thinking that I would happily do that if this man needed proof. It didn’t bother me that a random man who I didn’t know didn’t believe in me, he didn’t need to. I knew that as I stepped further and further into my abilities and capabilities that I would have an abundance of people who questioned or didn’t believe me. 

I was out for a run when a guide who works closely with me showed up. We spoke about limits. We spoke about how far our limits can be pressed. That we will get to experience things as far as our brains allow our limits to be pressed. It solidified why I got to experience things as truths that some others may not. 

Days later, I was out running and a different guide showed up. He always pressed me, hard love doesn’t describe him well enough. 

“Fuck him” he said with a coyness in his voice. 

“Why” I said back.

“Actually, fuck you” he said with laughter in his voice. 

“Fuck you back” I shot back at him.

There was a long silence as I ran. 

“Why fuck him? Why fuck me” I asked.

“Fuck you for letting his limits on boundaries become yours. At what point did you set your self worth on his opinion and his boundary? At what point did his boundary become yours?” 

That conservation resulted in weeks of meditation, running thoughts and contemplation. On the next full moon I set the intention of releasing the ties that I had created between my barriers or boundaries and those of any future partners. It was a full moon, but you couldn’t see the moon because a storm was starting to roll in. The first couple drops of rain were coming and I picked up my phone and caught this faery along with multiple shots of lightning later in the night. I laughed when I realized that I got his photo, the one without sun or moon or light but with a perfect faery. This wasn’t my first time experiencing a partner who had a different boundary. It wasn’t my first time experiencing a shift in my boundary to meet my partners. It was, however, the last.

Stacking Wood

I love stacking wood. I truly do. I love everything about it. I love the physical fitness aspect of it. I am investing in my body at the same time that I am investing in heating my home for the winter. It feels much like shadow work to me. While it can feel like hard work, the payoff is intense and something that you and all of your loved ones benefit from. 

As I carry pieces of wood and stack them neatly on each other,my mind wanders to cold mornings and sitting by the fire with coffee while writing. Despite the fact that I am carrying wood I feel like I am sitting on the couch already, it feels as real as my experience of carrying the wood. I know that on those cold mornings as I load the woodstove I will think back about carrying the wood and it will feel as real as loading the woodstove. There is something about experiencing things deeply that brings me immense joy. Feeling the feelings and embracing the sensation, being present in that moment, in that experience, in that thought, in this life. 

I love the grounding aspect of stacking wood. My skin touches the rough bark and wood and it is almost as if my skin is absorbing the grounding that the tree embodied.  I understand that some will find this an odd thought and I am alright with that, my truth doesn’t need to be yours. I feel that the tree offers shade and oxygen and support while it was living. As I carry the wood to stack it, it offers me insight, wisdom and grounding. Over the winter, it will offer me warmth, entertainment and love. When I spread the ashes from the woodstove onto my land it will offer nutrition and balancing. Embracing and appreciating all that the tree offers me deepens my connection with the tree, the earth, myself and the universe.

Open Door Policy

When I first met him, I would leave the doors to my house open all the time. I have a vivid memory of him asking me one day why I left them open. It had never occurred to me not to leave them open and the question made me think. Why wouldn’t you want the air and energy to flow freely through your home? Why wouldn’t you want to let the most amount of light and nature into your home? 

When we moved into our home together everything changed. My whole life changed. I don’t know exactly when or how, but it just seemed to happen. My doors were shut, the energy and light didn’t flow through my home or my heart anymore. Somehow, I became shut off to the lighter side of me, a side of myself that had been so important for all of my life. Suddenly, I was someone whom I didn’t recognize anymore. 

When he moved out it took me time to heal my wounds. Slowly, I started to let the light and love back into my life. Slowly, the doors on my home started to open again. The barriers and guards that I had put up started to come down. I started to be vulnerable and open again.  Eventually, my morning started with walking around the house opening each and every door.  It happened naturally and felt good and right. I didn’t think much about it as it was happening. One day, I opened the last door in the home that had remained shut. It was in that moment that I realized how shut off I had become with him and how open I had become again after him.

It was a beautiful growth moment for me. It wasn’t about him. It was all about me. I responded and reacted in ways that were not true to my soul and I can never blame that on him, I hold sole responsibility for that. In that moment, standing in my open doorway feeling the sun and light pouring over me, I vowed that I wouldn’t find myself in this situation again. I would be true to my soul and keep my figurative and literal door open in life.

Life Path Number 4

I love the sound of nature. It doesn’t really matter what kind, all of it lights my world up. If I am hearing it then I am likely out in it, which is when I am the most grounded and happiest. It was a warm evening in the late summer. I had put the boys to bed and walked the mail to the mailbox. On my way back down the driveway towards the house I decided that I would take a couple of trips of brush up to the brush pile. I had just had a tree cut down on my driveway, it was dead and needed to be cut 2 years ago. 

I picked up some brush and started dragging it towards the pile out in the woods. It was a beautiful night, the crickets were chirping and the air was both cool and balmy all at the same time. It was late summer, the very start to fall and it felt amazing. I love to be physically active so this didn’t feel like a chore. I realized that like most things in my life, if I chunked it out, the pick up from the tree wouldn’t be a big deal. 

I kept pulling brush up the driveway and thought about how I really was happy. I found a groove in life. I had healed wounds, some that were old and I should have healed a long time ago and some were recent.  But regardless, I finally felt healed. I got to thinking about numerology. I had taken both basic and advanced numerology and found numerology fascinating. I vividly remember calculating my life path number and getting the number 4. It felt wrong, I wasn’t upset but it also didn’t connect for me. A life path number 4 is all about stability and hard work. The issue was that I was trying to make the life lesson number into my soul or path of destiny number which is why the 4 didn’t fit. It wasn’t until about a year later that I went back and spent some time looking at the difference between life lesson and soul or path of destiny. When I realized that it was what I really needed to understand, what I needed to learn and master, then it made complete sense to me.I needed to learn how to create my own stability, to own my own stability, to be the master of my own stability. 

I turned and started walking towards the house from the woods. I looked at my home, the one that I am paying for alone. I pay all of my own bills without support. I got my doctorate and put myself through college.  I thought about my three boys, and while I have beautiful family support, I am a single mom of 3 stunning boys whom I am responsible for. I made it through divorce and found myself again. As I walked back towards the house I smiled and realized that life path number 4 and I were doing just fine, I will be the master of my own stability, which is something that I have never questioned.

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Between the sheets

I was always thankful when I got off. It felt like a stretch, like the long game, like the lottery. It felt like something that was hard to achieve but great to have. I love sex, I always have. Our bodies are amazing and our minds are even better. Sex is an interesting combination of mind and body, or so I thought. 

Like so many women, I liked sex, but felt frustrated by the illusiveness of good orgasms. It was that simple.

I worked to clear blocks, those that were in my past, in my soul, in my body, in my future, in myself. I have always acknowledged energy, but didn’t always know how to work with it. I remember the day that I sat down, naked on my floor, I crossed my legs, I closed my eyes and tears flowed freely from me during a meditation. It was the start of understanding myself on a deeper level. It was the start of healing on a deeper level.

As I understood myself and healed myself,I realized that energy was meant to flow through me. I started by dipping my toes in the water. I walked slowly out into the energetic water, much like wading into the lake or ocean. I wasn’t sure what I was sensing and I couldn’t see my feet, it was disorienting and I found myself standing still for a moment, not sure where to go in the water. Then, I just dove. I didn’t need to be able to see my feet, I didn’t need to understand what I was sensing or feeling. I knew that I was safe and that was enough. I took a deep breath and held in my breath, as I sunk deep into the water. 

I was my own barrier. I knew it in the moment that I crawled across the bed. I gripped the sheets. I lifted my head. I moaned. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get away or if I wanted to stay. I didn’t understand what I was sensing and feeling, but I knew that it was raw and real.  I knew that it was pure and good. I took a deep breath and held my breath, I sunk deep into myself and just like that I orgasmed again. 

Days later, I realized that I was my own barrier. If I could get off twice, why couldn’t I do it more. I took a deep breath and held my breath, I sunk into myself and all of the orgasms. I crawled across the bed, up the wall and out of myself. I strung orgasms together, one after a-lovely-nother . As I let energy flow through me, it flowed through me…. more than I could understand when I first started this journey. 

To all of the women who are thankful for a single orgasm, find yourself and let universal energy flow through you, you won’t be sorry!

Writing on my Run

The sky was dark and the air was thick with water. We needed a thunderstorm but I didn’t think that it was actually coming. The first couple of steps are always some of my favorites. When I transition from walking to running and round the corner on my driveway to head for the road. 

Almost immediately, the rhythm of my feet allowed spirit communication to openly flow through me. As I relaxed into my run and my body found a rhythm with the road, so did spirit find a rhythm with words. The sweat that ran down my neck, down my arms and off my forehead was real and was from deep inside my soul. It was much like the writing that was being passed through me on this run; real and deep from within my soul and the souls who worked with me. 

Spirit loves to write through me during a run, I know that I vibrate higher and the rhythm of my feet allows me to step sideways in my brain to allow spirit to flow through me more freely. The native americans have been using drumming and the rhythm that drumming creates for far longer than I care to guess. Somehow I determined when I was a young teen that running allowed me to do this exact thing and I loved it before I even really understood what I was doing.

As I ran and heard the words flowing more eloquently than I could think of writing, I wondered why spirit was insisting on writing while I was running. I immediately got a response that it was a practice in holding space. I needed to learn to hold those words and their flow inside of my body, and this was a forced way to practice. The act of holding space is important for all healers. Spirit was pushing me to practice in a different way, which I accepted and appreciated. 

When spirit writes through me the outcome is entirely different than when I write alone. I believe that many artists experience this, lean on this, lean into this, and grow with this. The words are different when they are from spirit and their flow is different. The ability to allow spirit in and weave myself and spirit together is not always smooth,but it is always an impressive outcome.

I make me happy

I remember vividly walking through the house feeling excitement bubbling inside of me. It was perfect and I loved it. It made me happy, it would make me happy, I would love it. And I did. 

Almost two years later, I sold the home that I loved and moved into a new home with someone whom I thought I would love forever. As we walked through the house on the first showing I knew that it would make me happy, I knew that I would love it…. And I did. 

Almost two years later, I realized that I had been silly. No physical item could ever make me happy. It was a distraction, one that I was seeking desperately to avoid looking at my wounds. It was easier to think that external items, experiences, people, things, would make me happy. The physical items and the people whom I sought would never make me happy, how could they? I needed to find happiness within myself. The process wasn’t smooth or easy. The process wasn’t pretty. The process involved mediation, running, crying, water, and looking at myself straight on. The process was worth everything, literally everything. Finding myself, loving myself, healing myself and finding happiness was worth everything. I felt vividly as I sunk into myself, the excitement bubbling inside of me. I am perfect, I love me, I make me happy.

No thank you!

No thank you. Years ago, I would attend events, visit with people, and spend time in ways that I didn’t want to, and then somehow feel put out about it. When I really started to internalize the fact that it was ludicrous to spend time in ways that I didn’t want to and even more ludicrous to feel like a victim about it, I stopped. I started using the words, no thank you. They are easy words, yet they can be hard to say. When I started using them regularly a lot of things changed in my life, I got the gift of time back. The act of being purposeful with your time and life is empowering. No, thank you. I used to add a statement of explanation or apology but then I realized that I wasn’t being true to myself or the other person in the situation.

You don’t owe anyone an apology or an explanation for how you want to live your life. You don’t need to justify being purposeful or mindful of your time and energy. It is just that simple!

No, thank you! Use it and see how much happier you can be.