Breaking point?

The snow fell creating a sense of peace and calm that I welcomed after a busy week. The world always feels quiet when it snows.  It is something that I have adored since childhood. The large white flakes filled the air and stuck to the branches of the trees and the grass. It felt like magic. It felt like I was watching magic play out right before my eyes. Mother nature was making everything innocent and pure and light right before my eyes. The flakes were huge and flowed slowly and steadily from the sky. 

I started a fire in the wood stove and danced around the house enjoying the energy of the snow storm and the holiday season. There is something about the combination of snow swirling in the sky and a wood stove that sets the energy on maximum comfort. I wanted to sink into the day, like I sink into a couch. I wanted the day to embrace my body and my soul while I enjoyed its support, just like a couch. 

As the hours went by the snow began to pull the branches of the trees down. The snow was heavy and wet and dense. I stood looking at a cluster of birch trees in my backyard. The branches were pulled down almost to the ground, stretched outside of their comfort zone, yet not enough to make them break. I stood with a warm cup of coffee in my hand looking out at the trees and feeling bad for them.  It never feels good to have something so heavy that you bend out of your comfort zone, wondering if you will snap at any moment. 

As the tree released the snow and let it fall down to the ground, for the earth to welcome and accept, the tree bounced back up into place. I couldn’t help but compare the trees to life. Sometimes, things get heavy and they weigh us down. Things can force us to bend, almost to the point of snapping and breaking. However, when we release the heaviness it is amazing how we bounce right back to our true shape and true selves.

Random acts of support

I was out for a run and lost in my thoughts and an interaction with a spirit. While I understand that running is a grounding and physical experience I was far from grounded and far from my body. On almost every run I find myself lost in the ethers with spirits and guides, learning and growing. This day was no exception. 

I could hear a car coming from behind me and while this pulled me slightly from my meditative state it wasn’t for long. The car went past me, then rolled down the window and out came a hand with a thumbs up. I was snapped right back into my human body and human mind. I waved feverishly at the person. 

Then I ran in my human head for the rest of the run. The car was not one that I recognized or saw frequently. It could be a neighbor who sees me running daily or it could be someone who has never passed me before. When people go out of their way to be supportive and kind to another person who they don’t know, it lights my world on fire…. I simply adore it, I love it more than I know how to express. What if the world was filled with people who threw their thumb out the window rather than their middle finger? What if people threw support at random strangers without the expectation of that kindness in return? What if we each committed to openly supporting people, for the sake of humanity? 

Those questions rattled through my head as my feet repeatedly hit the pavement. My mind expanded to think about times that I had thrown support at random strangers, some who clearly needed and some who didn’t appear to (but let’s be honest, who doesn’t want it?). What is odd is that I never knew how that stranger felt, but I sure did know how I felt. I have never thrown support at a stranger and been sorry or felt bad. It has always felt good and right and I always end up feeling better as a result. So, what if the support benefitted you and it benefitted me and the cost was nothing? What if, when I was seeking personal growth, I always included support and love of random strangers and the end result is that I was happier? What if the world could be that simple?

Thanksgiving run

The icy Thanksgiving rain poured all over me. With the rain came a calmness and a quietness that I was embracing before the house got busy with family and laughter and love. The cold rain dripped from my face and sloshed from my shoes with every step. It became clear, not long into the run, that I did not have enough layers on, however I am not sure that extra layers would have made a difference anyway. There were no cars and I found myself running down the middle of the road. 

As I ran, I got to thinking. This run was much like the journey of life. Sometimes, we find ourselves all alone out in the cold and fairly uncomfortable. In those moments we get a couple of choices. We can let those moments ruin us or we can embrace them. I could focus on the fact that I was cold and my skin felt numb and how uncomfortable that was, or I could embrace it. I know that may sound odd but I really did embrace it. I sat in the feeling of my fingers burning and stinging because I knew that it wouldn’t last long. I sat in the sensation of my toe aching and throbbing because I knew before long I would be toasty warm and dancing on them in my kitchen while cooking. I could feel alone, having not seen a car or another person exercising in 3 miles.  Or I could revel in the silence and peace that came with being alone as I knew that my house would be filled with people and noise in just a matter of hours. 

As I rounded the corner that turned into my driveway I could almost feel the warm shower, the heat of the home, the smell of the food, the laughter from people whom I love, the compassion and love that would be thrown at me from multiple people. What I couldn’t feel was the uncomfortableness of the icy november rain, mostly because I wasn’t focusing on it. 

So, if you find yourself running in the icy november rain, feel free to embrace those feelings because they are real, but also realize that they are short lived and your Thanksgiving bounty will be served shortly.

Looking for keys

Remote viewing is something that takes a back seat and gets little of my attention. It is a gift that I want to work with and progress but the reality is that I don’t prioritize it. It is something that I should be practicing daily,  however, I fall short.  My father asked if I could remote view the keys that he had lost. It had been about 3 weeks since he had seen them. I would be at his house the next day,  but the first thing I received in my mindseye was actually the location that they had last been, where he had gotten them from before he lost them. He looked and couldn’t find them. The next day when I arrived we looked again in that spot, not there. 

After watering house plants I got dressed for a run. It is one of my favorite places to run.I have done this run more times that I can count. My body knows the run inside and out, which means that the run always flows. This day was no exception. The space between  my body and the pavement doesn’t exist. The space between my body and fields doesn’t exist. I spilled into the river and it spills back into me. My heart soared in the clouds and the clouds passed freely through my body. I am the trees, I am the grass, I am the river, I am the birds, I am the hills, I am a ray of the sun, I am the universe. 

I could feel him next to me as I turned and headed back towards home. 

“You aren’t focusing” he said.

He was correct, I was not focusing on anything except the pure sense of joy that I was standing in….. Rather, running in. 

“Mmmmmmmmm” I replied back, not caring to ask what he was referencing. 

“The first place that you see is always where the item is normally located, the second is where it is currently located”. I understood that he was talking about how I interpret remote viewing.

I didn’t need to tell him that he was correct, he already knew it. For a moment, I was snapped back into my body. I knew instantly where the keys were located. With the next long blink, I surrendered to the energy of my run again. 

When I got back, I went and got his keys exactly where I had seen.

Pop

He had my heart the moment I met him. I didn’t understand the role that he would play in my life, but I sure did hand over my heart quickly. 

My socks slide easily on the beautiful old wooden floors. My weight shifted from side to side as energy flowed through me. It was everything that I wanted in life. Teaching people the tools that they need to open to their own spiritual gifts lights my world on fire. The purple twinkle lights, the plants, the tall ceilings, the smell of essential oils, the sense of security all washed over me. 

I could feel him behind me, he literally had my back and I was so wildly thankful for it. I hadn’t spent the day alone with him for months.  On the ride down he pointed that out to me. That morning, I made a promise that I would make more time for him. 

I was talking about the ways that spirits can communicate with us. Sometimes, we can’t hear words but that doesn’t mean they can’t catch our attention. I spoke openly about how my mother can’t hear spirits use their words but there are some spirits who use specific ways to catch her attention. He often makes bottles “pop” for her when he wants to catch her attention, for example during a high intensity moment. I had heard him doing it throughout the day with my seltzer water and asked if anyone else had heard it. Previously, I watched a couple of people look over at him when he had done it. I had not taken a drink from the water bottle for more than an hour at that point. Moments later, I paused and “pop”. Multiple people let out a small scream.

He had my heart the moment I met him and he will remain the best teacher I have ever met.

Flow

The gray November day met me with a chill that I simply wasn’t expecting. I should have because I had been out a couple of times that day already. I pulled my thumbs out of the holes and tucked my hands into my running shirt. With clenched fingers, I pulled my winter hat down. I knew, without a doubt, that today would be my last run in capri pants for the year. 

My body felt ridgid, stiff, awkward. The first half mile of the run was clunky at best. The moment I recognized that I was resisting allowing the run to flow through my body, I relaxed. Almost immediately I felt more whole, I felt more fluid, I felt more balanced. 

It wasn’t for another half mile that I realized I was holding tension and resistance in my hips and through my sacral chakra. Like much in life, acknowledging it was enough to make me let it go. As my stride extended, the reality of how resistant I had been set in. I truly didn’t realize it until I let it go; and as soon as I did, I realized the magnitude of what I was resisting.

Just like that, I found my stride on the run. I found the pace that my body wanted to be at, which happened to be much faster than I had been running.  Funny how releasing resistance speeds things up. Not only did energy flow freely through my body, it flowed through my mind, through my soul. 

My hair bounced on my shoulder, it flowed and shifted like the wind. It has been years now since I have washed my hair with shampoo. My hair used to be pin straight. Now, there is a flow and wave to it. I used to wash it with shampoo but then realized that I didn’t have to subscribe to societal norms and started using baking soda and apple cider vinegar. As I lost the drive for societal norms, I also lost the rigid and pin straight hair. As I embraced myself, I accepted flow and waves into every part of my life and my hair was no exception. 

Life is much like a run. Sometimes, you hit your stride on day one and sometimes it takes you a mile or three to hit your stride. You can spend your time being sorry that it took you time to reach your stride, or you can enjoy the run and be grateful as you relax into it.

The hamster wheel

The arch of my foot rolled over the metal bar and my attention was focused on the way that it felt when my toes rolled off from the bar, only to shortly make contact with the next bar. My legs felt tired. My mind felt bored. This wasn’t my place, why was I here? I looked up to see him standing against the wall. He stood in his body from the end of this life. He was heavy set and while energy flowed from him and radiated in every direction, he looked tired. His arms were crossed over his chest, he leaned against the wall with his right foot over his left ankle. He belly laughed and I knew it was at me, not with me. His eyes disappeared when he laughed. I felt confused but knew that I was going to understand shortly. I kept running, the hamster wheel kept turning. 

“What am I doing” I asked sheepishly. 

“Great question, what ARE you doing” he responded and I could almost hear his inner child coming out as he asked.  He took me on the best journeys and helped me to grow with every interaction.

I immediately understood that he was here to talk about relationships. I didn’t really want to have this conversation, but I also didn’t want to keep running on a hamster wheel. 

I looked over again, now he was himself in younger days. He was still an enormous man, a huge soul being squished into a human body and just not ever fitting quite right. He was strong and had a slight air about him now. I loved when he showed up like this. When he showed himself in his experienced self he always came with additional tact and a gentleness that I often welcomed as it meant that I would learn from him asking questions and me exploring. When he showed himself in his younger self I knew he brought straight power and I was in for a direct lesson. 

“Why am I on this (hamster wheel)” I asked with more bluntness to meet his power. 

“You keep picking it” he said.

My arms pumped as I ran, around and around yet I was going nowhere. I was doing a ton of work with literally no ground to show for it. I started to feel pissed which only made me run faster. 

“What, you can’t see that you are picking a different man with the same set of arms, the same chest, the same heart?” he asked. 

I could feel my heart beating in my ears and I said nothing, I ran, I ran in place. 

“At some point, you need to recognize that you are picking the wheel. You must like it” he said with a challenging tone. 

“I do not” I yelled at him over the noise in my mind. 

“Prove it” he said calmly. 

I looked to the left only to realize that there was no side on my hamster wheel. I only needed to step sideways. I only needed to pick something different. I only need to be in control. I only needed to be present and see the wheel for what it was. My next step was lateral and just like that, the wheel stopped spinning. I stood panting with my hands on my hips, my head thrown back, my heart exposed. 

“YES” he screamed from the other side of the hamster wheel. 

I didn’t respond, I understood that it was the exposed heart that allowed me to step sideways off the wheel.

She wasn't lying and I wasn't wrong

She was taking the week off and flying home to visit family. I was excited for her and had approved the time off. She was openly telling me about the vacation and I asked about when her flight was leaving.

“Monday morning” she responded and then kept talking about some details of the week. Every red flag went off in my body that this wasn’t true. A long time ago, I learned what YES and NO or TRUTH and LIE feels like in my body. There is a physical response, almost like hearing or seeing. It is lumped under the “sixth sense”. Everyone is different in how their body interprets YES and NO. For me, I get a constriction in polar plexus and a feeling of being drawn inward, almost like a protective feeling. I feel like my body is shifting back, almost leaning backwards yet my physical body doesn’t move. I hear the word NO inside of my head. It is one of the first things that I have my spiritual coaching clients learn about themselves. 

I stood listening to her and realized that I needed to pause for a second. Precognitive or psychic messages are interesting in the fact that there can be contextual issues. For example, my body was telling me in no unclear terms that she was lying to me, but my mind knew that she wouldn’t be lying about this, she had no reason to. The reality was that her vacation time was approved and it didn’t matter when or where or how or what she did with her time off and we both knew it. There was no reason for her to lie, I also knew on a personal level that she wouldn’t be lying about this. Thus, I paused. In the moment of pausing and centering my energy the answer became glaringly obvious. She wasn’t lying and I wasn’t wrong. I smiled and went back to focusing on what she was telling me.

Days later, she called me and told me that her flight was being moved. I smiled and I told her that I already knew that. 

“You do?” she asked with a slight confusion in her voice. 

I went on to explain the feedback that I had gotten in my body and that it took me by surprise. It forced me to pause and tune into the universe to realize that she wasn’t lying to me, that she simply didn’t know that her flight wasn’t going to happen on Monday. She wasn’t lying and I wasn’t wrong. 

She went on to tell me that she was leaving on Saturday. I paused and gently said “no, you aren’t”. She laughed and said “well, there is a very small chance that it will be on Friday”. I laughed and told her to enjoy the flight on Friday. 

She called me the next day and told me that the flight was moved to Friday night. I smiled, but didn’t need to tell her that I already knew. 

She wasn’t lying and I wasn’t wrong.

How do you fit in self care?

We were talking about a self care practice and she had just gotten done telling me how she simply didn’t have time for self care. She had literally given me every excuse under the sun. Eventually, she asked me how I fit self care into my busy life. I do not think that she anticipated the answer that I gave her,  but it came from a pure and true place. It was a two part answer that felt fairly simple. 

Self care has become such an integral part of my life that I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t have it. Everything in my life falls apart when I don’t practice my self care.  Everything gets harder, everything gets complicated, everything becomes unclear. Self care is like the glue that sticks my life together. Self care is what makes me feel whole and healthy, it is what makes me productive and relaxed all at the same time. 

The second half of the answer is that while I have a ton on my plate, I have removed almost all of the things in my life that do not bring me joy. As part of my spiritual journey I healed wounds and stopped seeking external validation and approval from others. As such, things that didn’t bring me joy or support my life path started to naturally fall away in my life. It was gradual and natural, it was perfect. I am certain that it is a work in progress and that it will evolve as I do, however, in this moment I have removed almost everything that doesn’t bring joy or support my life path. So, yes I am busy. It is a different kind of busy now.  I am literally doing things that bring me joy and so why wouldn’t I want to do them? When your life comes into alignment then suddenly everything fits into place because it isn’t work…… it is simple acts of happiness and joy. 

We stared at each other for a couple of moments, I smiled, then she smiled. 

Imperfect Person

I am an imperfect person. I am crystal clear on that. I mean it with every ounce of my body. I am an imperfect person. I have said things to people, whom I love, that are unforgivable. I have done things in my life that are unforgivable. I have acted in ways that I am not proud of. I have acted in ways that I am downright ashamed of.  I have hurt people who I hold dear to me. I am an imperfect person. 

My path involves doing a lot of really good and right things. It involves trying to be the best version of myself and sometimes failing. It involves having wounds that were deep and raw that I pretended didn’t exist and as a result I responded and reacted from places of trauma and wounds. 

My journey involves healing those wounds. It involves sitting in those emotions and really feeling them. It involves finding the root cause of my wounds, rather than avoiding them, and sitting in the wound and emotions until I felt every ounce of it. For me, it was impossible to heal those wounds until I could really feel them. I started with the largest ones that had the most global impact on my life. It is a continuous process and it is beautiful. I mean, it isn’t beautiful when you are feeling the wound and emotions, but it sure is beautiful to heal the wound and all of the hold that it has on you. When I realized that walking around with unhealed wounds didn’t make me “not have the wound” it just made me respond and react from a place of trauma, then the answer became glaring and obvious. I was unwilling to allow trauma and wounds to have any more of a hold on my life, that wasn’t power that I was willing to hand over to a wound any longer. So, I healed my wounds and I got happy. 

I have been told before that it is ok to outgrow people, places, jobs, and situations. It is also ok to outgrow older versions of yourself. I am an imperfect person, but I do not plan on stopping personal growth.