Shadow work

People often tell me that they don’t feel capable of doing shadow work because it would hurt too much and their pain is too deep. Believe me, I understand. I avoided my own shadow work and healing for years. I brushed trauma and pain under the carpet just like so many others. The ironic part is that avoiding looking at the trauma and wounds doesn’t actually keep you from feeling the pain, you just feel it differently. 

During shadow work, you look at yourself. You look at your behaviors, your wounds, and your traumas. You get to the root cause of them and look at how they are impacting your life. You expose the truth so that you can feel the emotions and heal the wounds. It is painful. I would love to tell you that it isn’t, but the reality is that it will be. 

The other reality is that if you have these wounds and trauma and you are avoiding feeling them, resulting in avoiding healing them, then you are already feeling the pain associated with them. We often think that by avoiding the shadow work we avoid the pain. When you stop and think about it, you know that this can not be true. Failure to acknowledge and address something doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist….. If that were the case, life would be pretty simple, right?

So, you get to pick. How do you like your pain? Do you want to feel prolonged yet lower level pain that controls and drives your life, or do you want to feel intense pain for a short period of time until you have healed your wound and gain control again? You can even get the choice to kick your pain down the road for a bit until you have support in place to hold space for you while you do shadow work. 

Whatever you pick is the right choice for you. There is no wrong decision. We all get to make it. The beautiful news is that we can even change our mind.

Finding happy

I wiggle. I move. I have a hard time holding still. When I brush my teeth I pace, often on my tippy toes. But, if you give me a new toothbrush fresh from the package I will wiggle and dance slightly more.

There is something about a new toothbrush that brings an abundance of happiness. It feels great as it slides across my teeth and gums. It feels perfect as it reaches behind my wisdom teeth. And, oh the way it feels when I brush my tongue. A new toothbrush makes me happy. 

Fresh sheets on my bed make me happy. My toes in the grass covered in dew makes me happy. The sound of my children laughing makes me happy. The way that the air flows through my house on a warm summer evening makes me happy. The feeling of salt on my skin after a day at the ocean makes me happy. New potatoes fresh from the garden make me happy. Watching dragonflies race in my backyard makes me happy. Having a standing desk rather than sitting all day makes me happy. Eating raw asparagus from the garden after brushing the dirt off makes me happy. Thinking about where rocks have been, what they have seen and what they know makes me happy. Making babies from my houseplants makes me happy. Skipping backwards makes me happy.

In my younger days, I thought that happiness was a state of being. At this point, I believe that happiness is  found by compiling a bunch of happy things into your day and making the decision that all of those happy things were enough to make you happy. Somedays, I find myself hunting for happiness, looking for it in the small details and spending my time focusing on that. Somedays, it doesn’t matter which way I turn, happiness is flowing over me freely. At this point in my life, I solidly believe that finding happiness in the small things in life makes my days easily filled with happiness. 

Shaman

It was like slipping naked into a silky bathrobe. The moment that I slipped one arm in and pulled it around myself, immediate comfort embraced me. It was the feeling of being home. It was the feeling of safety. It was the feeling of comfort. It was the feeling that I had done this a million times before and would a million times again. It was the feeling that I was right where I needed to be. It was the feeling of deep knowing. It was the feeling of support from my ancestors. It was the feeling of love from the universe. 

My shamanic apprenticeship was like slipping naked into a silky bathrobe. While I know that this may sound like an odd way of describing it, that is what it felt like. It was the comfort of something so known and trusted and healing, and yet the vulnerability of being naked and seen.

Shamanic work runs deep in my soul and I knew that it would only be a matter of time before I found the right mentor and embarked on an apprenticeship. I researched many programs and mentors looking for the perfect fit as I knew that this was something that would be part of my life path and spiritual journey, making the mentor an important decision. From the moment I spoke with Sierra from Indigenous Roots, I knew that she would be my mentor, everything in my body confirmed that she was the right fit and I was absolutely accurate. 

Sierra was by far the best living mentor who I have personally worked with. She supported me in a way that was nothing short of humbling. She taught and guided all while throwing unconditional safety and support at me. She gave me the freedom to express and grow and change while holding space for me to feel safe during my growth. Throughout the apprenticeship she created such a safe space that I never once held anything back or censored my thoughts, questions or comments.  It was the ultimate state of flow and growth. I realize that for this level of flow and growth, the mentor must be able to create and hold space that is non judgemental and safe.  Sierra did this without question. Many of the things that Sierra taught me I was already doing on some level. I had pulled it through from past lives and through support of the universe.  She took me deeper and more in-depth on everything. She taught me how to take these healing practices to an entirely new level. It was like being welcomed home…… actually, it wasn’t “like” that, it WAS that. It was being welcomed home. 

Shamanic work involved standing solidly on both sides of the veil, something that I adore. It involves working with spirit, not only human spirit but the spirit of the land, the plants, the animals, our ancestors, etc. Shamanic work is rooted deeply in the act of healing through ancient wisdom and practices. 

I am beyond ecstatic to announce that I have graduated from the Shamanic Apprenticeship program through Indigeous Roots and will shortly be offering Shamanic healing through Rose Quartz Mediumship, more information to come soon! 

It is medical, right?

She didn’t want to hear my words and I knew it. I was telling her something that she wasn’t ready to embrace yet. I knew the feeling all too well as I had to work through my own resistance around this exact topic only a couple of years ago. I wanted to believe that all of my “physical” symptoms were actually medical issues rather than my energetics manifesting in my body. 

“Have you considered that it isn’t medical in nature?” I asked her. 

She had worked with me long enough to know that I wouldn’t push her on this topic unless I felt like she needed to be pushed. 

“But, I have had a real medical issue with this in the past” she said back.

“I know, I get that. I am not saying that it isn’t medical in nature. I am asking you if you have considered that this is the energetics in your world that are manifesting into physical form in your body.” I said back, likely not as gently as I should have. 

“It could be. It really could be.” she said. 

“I just know that for me, my body is one of the best warning signs that I have of what is going on for me energetically. It shows me things that I may not be able to see myself. That is my truth and it doesn’t need to be yours.” I said. 

“I already have the appointment so I am going to get the testing done. But, if it isn’t medical, what do you think I should do?” she asked. 

We went on to talk about ways to release lower vibration levels, trauma, guilt, pain and wounds. She texted me later to tell me that she had taken real action on all of the ways to release the things that were not serving her. She had written, she had taken a goddess bath with crystals, salts and essential oils, she had crystals in her bra, she had done yoga and walked, she had written words of things that she wanted to release and burned them. She was already feeling better physically. 

Days later, she called me to tell me that she had her medical workup completed and the medical concern that she was worried about had not changed, in fact it had improved. This was a beautiful opportunity for her to grow spiritually. She recognized not only that her energetics were resulting in a physical manifestation of discomfort, she also recognized that given that it was not actually medical in nature, she had COMPLETE control over the situation. The more healing of her figurative wound that she did, the better she felt physically. Rather than being deflated by the situation, she felt empowered to stand in her power and be in control of her energetics and her body!

I found my tribe

I expected a different experience. Isn’t that often the case? As a human, I sometimes find myself in a situation where I am clinging to control. Is it really mine to hold, I ask myself often. Am I even really holding it, I ask myself often. Is control an illusion? 

When I picked my business name it was done through spirit. Rose Quartz Mediumship, it is a heart centered energy with a focus on healing and deep meaningful relationship with spirit. It is three simple words strung together, making a name. They are just words. They are so much more than just words. They are a window into my soul. They are a window into my vulnerability. They are a window into my journey and my path. They are so much more than words. 

Seeing a version (misspelled) of my business name being sprayed across Instagram and being used to pray upon people for money should have torn my heart out. Someone created an account and blocked me so that I could not see them, they then reached out to most of the people who follow Rose Quartz Mediumship and followed them and then direct messaged them asking if they wanted a reading and asking for money.  It should have taken my breath away. It should have made me feel deflated. It should have made me feel sold out. It should have made me feel hurt. 

I had seen it happen to other tarot readers, psychics and mediums. I had thought about how I would respond….. or would I react? I expected a different experience. I expected to feel all of the emotions that I listed above. Instead, I felt humbled. I felt grateful. I felt whole. I felt supported. I felt home. 

The volume of people who threw unsolicited support at me was nothing short of breathtaking. I expected the experience to be different.  One woman was at her mothers funeral when this fake Instagram account contacted her and asked her if she wanted to buy a reading. I am rarely short on words, however that took all of my words. Reading her message telling me that a fake account using my precious business name (almost!) reached out to her trying to scam her from money WHILE she was at her mothers funeral literally stopped me in my tracks and took my words. As I struggled to tell her how sorry I was, she met me with beautiful and kind words. I expected a different experience. I did not expect to be met with countless messages, texts, emails, and calls to notify me. I didn’t expect to be met by strangers asking this fake account for their paypal account, only to be able to have it to report. I didn’t expect to be met by people reaching out for the first time with the sole intention of notifying me that someone was trying to trash my business name and steal money. I expected a different experience. 

I expected my tears to be from frustration and pain. Instead, they flowed freely down my face directly related to the abundance of love and support that was thrown at me. Rose Quartz Mediumship, it is a heart centered energy with a focus on healing and deep meaningful relationship with spirit and if that was not thrown at me with unwavering power, I don’t know what was. I can solidly say that I picked the right name for my business and I can solidly say that I found my tribe. It wasn’t the experience that I expected, but I could not be more grateful for the experience playing out like this…… Dear universe, I will hand you over control as it is clear that you wrote the experience far better than I would have. 

As I write this, the account is still up on IG and despite that I keep reporting it IG has written me back saying that it does not go against their rules. If you have been contacted by rosequartmediummship (please note the 2 mm and the fact that none of the videos work!) please report the account.

Moments of darkness

I walked out to feed and water the chickens and as I opened the door I was met with icy air. It was piercing and penetrated my jacket, hat and mittens. The wind blew the icy air and I tucked my face down into my jacket as I walked towards the barn. The water sloshed from the bucket in the fierce wind. All of my exposed skin burned almost immediately. My lungs stung as I took a deep breath in of the freezing air. Tears ran from my eyes and I eventually made the decision to simply shut them as I knew this path to the barn well, I walked it daily. 

I wanted to run today but it was simply too cold, it was downright painful outside. Everything hurt just from the walk to the barn and back. When I got back into the house I looked out the frosty windowpane at the rising sun and the darkness fading. I hoped that the light from the sun would warm the earth and bring some much needed comfort. 

Hours later, I laced my running shoes and slid into my cold weather gear. I won’t lie, the run was still cold and slightly uncomfortable but it wasn’t painful by any stretch of the imagination. While it wasn’t my ideal running environment,it was still a great run and much more comfortable than I imagined earlier that morning. While this wasn’t the spring running temps that I longed for, it was a beautiful day and I felt grateful to be running during the warmest part that the day had to offer me. 

This run was much like life. Sometimes, in moments of darkness we find ourselves uncomfortable or even in downright pain. Sometimes, you need to just pause and embrace the delay. Embrace the fact that the darkness will fade and the universe will bring light again. It may not always feel it, but it does happen. Waiting can be difficult but often with a delay we find ourselves in a better situation, a more comfortable one that ultimately promotes our actual goal. Waiting also gives us the opportunity to process our feelings and emotions and question what we really want. So, if you find yourself taking the cold painful walk to the barn in the dark, know that the light is coming and will warm you soon. If you find yourself standing in the warmth of the house, staring out through a frosty window, know that the light is coming and will open the door for you soon. If you find yourself running, in cold weather gear, know that spring is coming soon.

Outgrowing

Outgrowing older versions of yourself is ok….. It is more than ok. Multiple years ago, I started shadow work and a focus on personal growth. Initially, I worried what people would think. People who knew wounded versions of me, who got to experience or watch my trauma and my wounds playing out in my reality. I worried what people would say about me if they knew the version of me that was suffering and reacting to the world from a place of pain. 

In the act of wondering about those things, I realized that I needed to continue to heal those wounds and one day it wouldn’t matter. The fact that I was worried about what people would think about my personal growth let me know that I had a bunch more to do because other peoples opinion of my growth is absolutely none of my fucking business. 

The reality is that sometimes we do or say things that can not be taken back and we damage a relationship with someone or damage a person's opinion of us to the point that it can not ever be repaired, that's on us. I solidly own those, those damaged relationships are a result of me not seeking healing earlier in my life. Sometimes, people judge us for outgrowing old versions of ourselves and healing our wounds and that is on them. It is solidly on them. For me, none of that really matters anymore. The experiences that I have had and the people whom I have crossed paths with, regardless of if they can support my growth or not, have placed me exactly where I am in life. Some of my largest growth moments have been from trauma and pain and, honestly, I wouldn’t trade the trauma if I was given the choice, as they have defined who I am today and where I am today.

Integrity

“Find your integrity, whatever that means to you” she said casually as she continued speaking about yoga and instructing. 

The statement rattled in my brain throughout the rest of the session and over the next couple of days. The statement followed me into the shower, up hills on my runs, washed dishes with me, stood at my desk next to me working, swept the floor with me and crawled into bed with me at night. 

“Find your integrity, whatever that means to you”. 

What does that mean to me? 

Can I be both standing in my integrity and also not, all at the same time?

Can I be standing in integrity on one topic and way off on another?

Can standing in my integrity be holding a boundary but allowing everything up to that point?

Can I move my boundary as I change?

Can integrity be a transition or does it have to be all at once?

Is alignment with my soul path and integrity the same?

Is the “best that I can do” integrity? Is it the best that I can do?

Can you do something with integrity that you do not want to do?

I decided that it was worth dumping more time and energy into. Throughout my day, I would ask myself if I was standing in my integrity. During conversations, during actions, during events, during moments of nothingness. The more that I asked, the more confusing and also the more clear it all became. I realized how frequently I compromised my integrity, not on huge things but on small things. The real question is “why”? Why would I compromise my integrity on small things, for example spending time on a task that my heart wasn’t in or continuing to speak with someone when I really wanted to be done with the conversation. This was a practice that I had done alignment with multiple times, but integrity is slightly different than alignment, for me anyways. It was a powerful experience and one that I am not done working on and through. It leads quickly to the path called “the bigger picture in life”. 

And so, I will say to you, “find your integrity, whatever that means to you” my friend.

Your opinion

Your opinion of my spiritual journey is absolutely none of my business. It is a statement that I have heard over and over again and believed.  But if I am being honest, I didn’t feel it on a deep level, I simply heard it. I was forced to face this a couple of weeks ago. I was forced to feel this, and I made the choice to feel it deeply. 

I was challenged on my spiritual journey, what it looked like and what it felt like. It wasn’t the questions that were asked, it was the tone in which they were asked that required me to dig deep on this topic. I knew in the moment that the conversation was happening, that it would be a learning and growing opportunity for me, and it was. In the moment, I responded from a place of truth and vulnerability but I will solidly admit that it stung, it downright hurt to have someone whom I trusted thrash judgement at me without knowledge of the situation. 

I spent a couple of weeks processing the conversation. It rattled in my head during runs, yoga, baths, walks and really anytime that gave me time to process. It is one thing to say “your opinion of my spiritual journey is absolutely none of my business” and it is an entirely different thing to mean it with every ounce of your soul. It was such a beautiful and intense lesson for me to learn, embrace and embody. 

The more that I processed the conversation, the more I realized that I was handing over power.  I was giving this individual power by allowing her opinion to matter to me, at which point I was forced to ask myself if that was what I meant to do. The answer was simple and came quickly, it was a solid and resounding NO. I asked myself why I was gifting this power and realized that it was external validation. While the desire for external validation was something that I worked hard to remove from my world, it became clear that it was still here, just in a different manner than I was used to seeing it. I was used to seeing it when I was seeking it. I had not realized that I could be struggling with external validation even when I was not the one seeking it but look…… there it was. It seemed so obvious as soon as I recognized it. Her opinion of my spiritual journey mattered to me, but only because I let it.  So, I took my power back and accepted that she could think anything that she wanted about my journey and that it would not have an impact on me. I refused to give away my power like that. 

It was also a beautiful reminder that I never get the right to have judgement about any other individual's spiritual journey. Your truths, your journey, your experiences are just that….. they are yours. If you honor your truths, your journey, your experiences as your own and innately perfect for where you are on your journey, then what someone else thinks about them really does not matter. Not at all. Not even a little.

Hill named shadow work

As the neckwarmer slid over my head it made my hair staticy, which didn’t matter because next I pulled a hat over my head. I slipped on my gloves and opened the front door. The cold air hit my skin like a wave. It was refreshing and real and raw. 

My eyes immediately found the sky, seeing the sliver of a moon that hung high in the sky. Early morning runs will always have my heart. As I ran the first hill staring at the moon I thought about the period of time, not long ago, that I immersed deeply into my shadow work and how much this run felt like those months. Those months felt like an uphill battle, they felt cold, they felt dark and like the light of the moon barely hung in the sky. While those months were intensely raw and vulnerable for me, they forced me to look at my shadows and heal the underlying wounds associated with them. Much like the hill that I was running up this morning, I fought hard to climb that metaphorical hill called shadow work. 

I came to the top of the hill and started on the flat. My body settled into the run and I felt great in my body, I sank into the run. As I relaxed into the run and my body found the rhythm of the run, I found myself sky gazing and watching the first light of the sun start to peek through the darkness. As the moon faded and a beautiful display of pink and blue took its place with a breathtaking red/yellow fire starting to rise in the sky, I realized that the sky felt like me now. With the shadow work fading into light I find myself relaxing into life, my soul finding its rhythm of this human experience and much like this morning sky the brightness and light of the morning sun rise has rained down upon my life, kissing every corner of my life and reminding me that once again the sun has come to light my world on fire. 

If you find yourself at the base of the hill named shadow work, know that at the top where healing lives you will find a beautiful display of light and love.