The hamster wheel

The arch of my foot rolled over the metal bar and my attention was focused on the way that it felt when my toes rolled off from the bar, only to shortly make contact with the next bar. My legs felt tired. My mind felt bored. This wasn’t my place, why was I here? I looked up to see him standing against the wall. He stood in his body from the end of this life. He was heavy set and while energy flowed from him and radiated in every direction, he looked tired. His arms were crossed over his chest, he leaned against the wall with his right foot over his left ankle. He belly laughed and I knew it was at me, not with me. His eyes disappeared when he laughed. I felt confused but knew that I was going to understand shortly. I kept running, the hamster wheel kept turning. 

“What am I doing” I asked sheepishly. 

“Great question, what ARE you doing” he responded and I could almost hear his inner child coming out as he asked.  He took me on the best journeys and helped me to grow with every interaction.

I immediately understood that he was here to talk about relationships. I didn’t really want to have this conversation, but I also didn’t want to keep running on a hamster wheel. 

I looked over again, now he was himself in younger days. He was still an enormous man, a huge soul being squished into a human body and just not ever fitting quite right. He was strong and had a slight air about him now. I loved when he showed up like this. When he showed himself in his experienced self he always came with additional tact and a gentleness that I often welcomed as it meant that I would learn from him asking questions and me exploring. When he showed himself in his younger self I knew he brought straight power and I was in for a direct lesson. 

“Why am I on this (hamster wheel)” I asked with more bluntness to meet his power. 

“You keep picking it” he said.

My arms pumped as I ran, around and around yet I was going nowhere. I was doing a ton of work with literally no ground to show for it. I started to feel pissed which only made me run faster. 

“What, you can’t see that you are picking a different man with the same set of arms, the same chest, the same heart?” he asked. 

I could feel my heart beating in my ears and I said nothing, I ran, I ran in place. 

“At some point, you need to recognize that you are picking the wheel. You must like it” he said with a challenging tone. 

“I do not” I yelled at him over the noise in my mind. 

“Prove it” he said calmly. 

I looked to the left only to realize that there was no side on my hamster wheel. I only needed to step sideways. I only needed to pick something different. I only need to be in control. I only needed to be present and see the wheel for what it was. My next step was lateral and just like that, the wheel stopped spinning. I stood panting with my hands on my hips, my head thrown back, my heart exposed. 

“YES” he screamed from the other side of the hamster wheel. 

I didn’t respond, I understood that it was the exposed heart that allowed me to step sideways off the wheel.

She wasn't lying and I wasn't wrong

She was taking the week off and flying home to visit family. I was excited for her and had approved the time off. She was openly telling me about the vacation and I asked about when her flight was leaving.

“Monday morning” she responded and then kept talking about some details of the week. Every red flag went off in my body that this wasn’t true. A long time ago, I learned what YES and NO or TRUTH and LIE feels like in my body. There is a physical response, almost like hearing or seeing. It is lumped under the “sixth sense”. Everyone is different in how their body interprets YES and NO. For me, I get a constriction in polar plexus and a feeling of being drawn inward, almost like a protective feeling. I feel like my body is shifting back, almost leaning backwards yet my physical body doesn’t move. I hear the word NO inside of my head. It is one of the first things that I have my spiritual coaching clients learn about themselves. 

I stood listening to her and realized that I needed to pause for a second. Precognitive or psychic messages are interesting in the fact that there can be contextual issues. For example, my body was telling me in no unclear terms that she was lying to me, but my mind knew that she wouldn’t be lying about this, she had no reason to. The reality was that her vacation time was approved and it didn’t matter when or where or how or what she did with her time off and we both knew it. There was no reason for her to lie, I also knew on a personal level that she wouldn’t be lying about this. Thus, I paused. In the moment of pausing and centering my energy the answer became glaringly obvious. She wasn’t lying and I wasn’t wrong. I smiled and went back to focusing on what she was telling me.

Days later, she called me and told me that her flight was being moved. I smiled and I told her that I already knew that. 

“You do?” she asked with a slight confusion in her voice. 

I went on to explain the feedback that I had gotten in my body and that it took me by surprise. It forced me to pause and tune into the universe to realize that she wasn’t lying to me, that she simply didn’t know that her flight wasn’t going to happen on Monday. She wasn’t lying and I wasn’t wrong. 

She went on to tell me that she was leaving on Saturday. I paused and gently said “no, you aren’t”. She laughed and said “well, there is a very small chance that it will be on Friday”. I laughed and told her to enjoy the flight on Friday. 

She called me the next day and told me that the flight was moved to Friday night. I smiled, but didn’t need to tell her that I already knew. 

She wasn’t lying and I wasn’t wrong.

How do you fit in self care?

We were talking about a self care practice and she had just gotten done telling me how she simply didn’t have time for self care. She had literally given me every excuse under the sun. Eventually, she asked me how I fit self care into my busy life. I do not think that she anticipated the answer that I gave her,  but it came from a pure and true place. It was a two part answer that felt fairly simple. 

Self care has become such an integral part of my life that I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t have it. Everything in my life falls apart when I don’t practice my self care.  Everything gets harder, everything gets complicated, everything becomes unclear. Self care is like the glue that sticks my life together. Self care is what makes me feel whole and healthy, it is what makes me productive and relaxed all at the same time. 

The second half of the answer is that while I have a ton on my plate, I have removed almost all of the things in my life that do not bring me joy. As part of my spiritual journey I healed wounds and stopped seeking external validation and approval from others. As such, things that didn’t bring me joy or support my life path started to naturally fall away in my life. It was gradual and natural, it was perfect. I am certain that it is a work in progress and that it will evolve as I do, however, in this moment I have removed almost everything that doesn’t bring joy or support my life path. So, yes I am busy. It is a different kind of busy now.  I am literally doing things that bring me joy and so why wouldn’t I want to do them? When your life comes into alignment then suddenly everything fits into place because it isn’t work…… it is simple acts of happiness and joy. 

We stared at each other for a couple of moments, I smiled, then she smiled. 

Imperfect Person

I am an imperfect person. I am crystal clear on that. I mean it with every ounce of my body. I am an imperfect person. I have said things to people, whom I love, that are unforgivable. I have done things in my life that are unforgivable. I have acted in ways that I am not proud of. I have acted in ways that I am downright ashamed of.  I have hurt people who I hold dear to me. I am an imperfect person. 

My path involves doing a lot of really good and right things. It involves trying to be the best version of myself and sometimes failing. It involves having wounds that were deep and raw that I pretended didn’t exist and as a result I responded and reacted from places of trauma and wounds. 

My journey involves healing those wounds. It involves sitting in those emotions and really feeling them. It involves finding the root cause of my wounds, rather than avoiding them, and sitting in the wound and emotions until I felt every ounce of it. For me, it was impossible to heal those wounds until I could really feel them. I started with the largest ones that had the most global impact on my life. It is a continuous process and it is beautiful. I mean, it isn’t beautiful when you are feeling the wound and emotions, but it sure is beautiful to heal the wound and all of the hold that it has on you. When I realized that walking around with unhealed wounds didn’t make me “not have the wound” it just made me respond and react from a place of trauma, then the answer became glaring and obvious. I was unwilling to allow trauma and wounds to have any more of a hold on my life, that wasn’t power that I was willing to hand over to a wound any longer. So, I healed my wounds and I got happy. 

I have been told before that it is ok to outgrow people, places, jobs, and situations. It is also ok to outgrow older versions of yourself. I am an imperfect person, but I do not plan on stopping personal growth.

No Wrong way to love

There is no wrong way to love. That is my truth and I will solidly stand in it. There is no limit and no barrier on what love could or should look like. I adore people who follow love in whatever capability that looks like to them, rather than letting society dictate what that love should look like. In a society that is in desperate need of love, I find it ironic that our society also tries to put limits on what that love can look like. 

What if, rather than trying to make love fit into small boxes that are neatly labeled we let love expand and flow freely? What if rather than coaching people on how to keep love contained and limited, we coached people on how to embrace deep and full love in whatever format that looked like? What if we taught people how to sink deeply into love and understand how and what love looks like to them? What if we taught people how to be open to love? What if we focused on how love felt, rather than how we thought about love? 

For a moment, I want you to go back to a memory when you felt complete love and when you gave complete love. Now, rather than thinking about it, I want you to feel it. What does it feel like in every cell of your body? What does it feel like in the energetic field around you? What does it make your home and your life feel like when you are standing solidly in that moment? 

Now, what if you held that emotion and carried it with you all day everywhere that you went. Could you imagine the impact that it would have on the world, even just your world? Now, what if you held that love for yourself so you could carry it everywhere you went? What if?

Shape Changer

He warned me that his father had a strong personality. I liked strong and I liked personality so this didn’t scare me. He warned me that he would push my buttons. It wasn’t until almost a year later that I realized that I truly loved having my buttons pushed.  It was an avenue to find a wound, and without finding the wound it is hard to heal it. At the time, I didn’t have enough self-love to have my buttons pushed and enjoy it. 

I genuinely enjoyed his father's energy, which was hard for him to understand because they struggled on many levels. I could talk with him for hours.  While there wasn’t a genetic bond with his oldest son (my closest spirit guide) they embodied many of the same energies. It wasn’t surprising to me, once I got to know them both, that they found each other and agreed to be family. His father would stand just outside someone's comfort zone and poke them with words enough to make the person squirm in their seat. His father would do this poking with fliration in his voice, confidence in his core and growth in his words. The bluntness and emotional disconnection in which they both demanded growth was humbling, and also exactly how I liked to be challenged. 

This was early in our interactions.  We were still getting to know each other. Samuel told his father about me and his father knew that I was a medium and interacting with his late son. I often thought about what it must feel like to meet someone who was claiming to interact with a child whom you lost too early. 

We were walking outside and he asked with a levelness and calmness in his voice that I can still feel. “So, you like gardening. How long have you been doing it”

“I love it, it is seared into my soul. I have been gardening all of my life. It was taught to me as a child and woven into every aspect of my life” I said back.

We kept walking. I realized that his questions were deeper than words, he was digging into my soul.

“You like being a mom?” he asked.

“I love it.” I said but didn’t feel like I needed further explanation. I truly loved it and it was that simple. 

“Are you a shape changer?” he asked. The question was blunt and caught me off guard. 

“What do you mean” I asked as I felt my hackles coming up.

“Are you pretending to be what my son wants?” he asked. 

It evoked an immediate and intense response from deep inside my body. How dare you question the very things that make me who I am? How dare you press me on the things that I hold dearest and closest to my heart. How dare you imply that being with your son was worth being a shadow of who I am. Instead, I said back “Gardening and being a mom are core parts of who I am”.

Some of things that define me as a human include being a mother and farmer.  They rest in my body like a truth that I could never deny. It wasn’t until about 18 months later that I realized his questions were just words. They were literally just simply words strung together. They were so much more than words. They were flashlights, rather floodlights, giving insight into a wound that I wasn’t ready or able to heal at that moment….. I wasn’t even willing to call it a wound because if I did then I would have to address it and it is easier to deny something than to own it and need to address it. At the time, I didn’t understand that me being triggered was because I had a wound.  It happened to be a deep wound around self-worth. What his father was triggering in me was my own fear that I needed to change who I was to make his son love me.  It took me a lot of tears and work but ultimately I healed that wound around self-worth. 

So, now if he asked me the same question I would respond differently. “Gardening and being a mother are core parts of who I am, they light my world up and fill my cup. I am being true to myself and your son happens to like that about me. Gosh, I hope that I change shape. I hope that I never get too rigid to grow and learn and change. I want to evolve and grow into a better version of myself.  But if you are asking me if I am changing who I am to impress your son the answer would solidly be no.”

At the time, it was easy to say that he was being an ass. Now, it is easy to say that I had unhealed wounds and self worth issues and his words made them obvious in 2 seconds. It is ok to own your bullshit. Actually, it should be required.

Finding Bullets

We had been out playing and hiking on the land. We all stood on the landing and the boys were playing while my father, brother and I spoke. We were talking about life paths and staying true to them. We were talking about the collective awakening to spirituality and all of the life changing benefits. We were talking about happiness and simplicity. We were talking about life. 

My oldest son came and asked if I had a pendulum, he wanted to look for another bullet. The boys had found one and they wanted to find more. I told him that a pendulum always sits in my car in the small box where most people put keys and change. He nodded and went to find it. I had taught all three of my boys to use pendulums.  Dowsing runs like a vein through our family, almost like a right of passage. 

We went back to speaking about the elements and working with them. Teaching has always been a core part of my being and in the past 3 years it had become clear to me that I wanted to teach about spirituality and how to embrace it. If I am being completely honest, I want to teach people how to find happiness, and my personal truth is that getting right with who you are and what you want out of life are huge steps to happiness. It is hard to be out of alignment with who and what you are and be happy. Happiness comes from different places for everyone, this isn’t cookie cutting, it is life and it looks different for everyone. I want to help people find their own path to happiness and give them tool to help with their own spiritual awakening.  

My oldest had been using the pendulum and voiced that he was frustrated that he found 2 bullets and now the pendulum was lying to him. I asked what he meant. He said that the pendulum told him that there was a bullet right “here” but he didn’t see it. I walked over and about 6 inches from where he was standing I found the bullet tucked under some bark. I picked it up, smiled and handed it to him. It was a beautiful reminder for him to believe in himself. It was a beautiful reminder for me that sometimes people need things pointed out for them even if they are looking right at them.

The bottle labled HAPPY

My son threw his head back when he laughed. I love that he does this too. I have had it pointed out to me before that when I am authentically laughing and present in the moment that I throw my head back when I laugh. 

The day was simple, I was raking leaves and he weaved between the stone walls and leaves laughing and playing tag with my brother. The sun was bright and the sun was high in the sky. Despite the fact that it was fall, the sun felt hot on my face and arms as I raked. There was a musty, earthy smell that is hard to capture in words, but easy to embrace with every breath. I closed my eyes under my sunglasses and just stood for a minute. I wanted to freeze time and bottle it. I wanted to be able to experience it over and over again. 

He let out a squeal and then more head back laughing as my brother chased him. I picked him, I wanted him, I made him and I am proud to be his mom. Watching my brother be a phenomenal support for my son melts my heart. While I made my son, and it was a choice to be his mom, there is no way out of the responsibility of parenting him. There is no walking away from being a mom. My brother has the option to walk away at any point, being a supportive adult to my children is not his responsibility. It has never been his responsibility, it has been his choice. He makes it over and over again. He makes it when the sun is shining and the boys are laughing. He makes it when the skies are stormy and the boys are struggling. He makes it, actively makes the choice. I am so proud of the man who my brother has grown into and I am so proud to have him as a prominent energy in my boys lives. Surrounding myself and my boys with people who throw relentless love and support our way is one of the best choices I have ever made. While it sounds obvious, surrounding yourself with people who demonstrate what you are seeking is instrumental. 

There have been phases of my life where I didn’t want to bottle the energy up and save it. But, this….. this phase of life is what dreams are made of. The label on the bottle would clearly read “HAPPY”. 

Empting my buckets

My hands tightly gripped the handles of the watering cans. My bare feet pressed against the brick path leading to my driveway. The bricks were cool, yet still welcoming. The early morning energy was palpable and calming. As I stepped into the sunlight and felt it hit my bare legs and face, I instantly felt my body let go of tension that I didn’t realize I was holding. 

The bushes that I was going to water were ones that I transplanted from a couple different mama bushes on my property earlier in the year. Asking a mama plant for a baby and transplanting it brings a level of happiness into my soul that extends far past this lifetime. Farming is woven deep in my soul and I am profoundly grateful for that. 

I walked this exact path daily with watering cans infused with love. My eyes closed yet my body knew the path. With my eyes closed the feedback from all of my other senses became more intense. The way the driveway felt on my feet made me feel grounded and connected with the earth. The crisp smell of the fall air mixed with the musty smell of the fallen leaves made the most perfect aroma that felt as if it were soaking into me through every pore of my body, and not just my nose. 

I reached the bushes and slowly started pouring water from the cans. As the water streamed and flowed back into the earth I felt my tension, my fear, my resistance flow right along with it. I stood with empty buckets, I no longer held resistance and fear. I watched a wooly bear caterpillar crawling. Just like I know that farming is woven deep into my soul, I also know that I am right where I need to be in life. Standing quietly in the early morning sun with bare feet, empty buckets, and a full heart.

Snake Staff

The aftermath of the storm was all over my yard and driveway. Sticks, branches, leaves peppered my property. I walked out the front door and smiled. Nature sure does have a way of releasing things that are no longer useful or serving her.The storm was no exception. The trees released old branches and leaves. It is similar to what they do in the fall, first a stunning display of color and light and then a flurry of releasing. I imagine that it is an act of self love, protecting the tree's energy. Releasing something that does not serve us can be hard, but at the end of the day, it is about protecting yourself. 

I walked barefoot up the driveway and my youngest son chatted at me about the sticks on the driveway. I started picking them up and dragging them towards the burnpile and before I knew it you were standing there. Today, you were in full costume including a wrap, a headdress and a shield. I laughed at you as you put on a performance in all of your glory. I kept walking down the driveway dragging brush. 

“Halt” you shouted at me.

I turned to look at you and realized that you wanted one of the branches. I let go of the brush that I was dragging and picked up the stick. It was nothing short of perfect. I had been looking to make a snake wand but the universe had more grand things in mind. Placed lovingly, by nature and the universe, in my path was a snake staff. After I picked it up, I looked into your eyes which sparkled like crystals, your face lit and you belly laughed. While your hands no longer make art, I will allow them to make art through me. While your voice no longer has a mouth to speak, I will allow you to speak through me. While your hands no longer write, I will allow you to write through me. While you are no longer in physical form, I will not stop that from allowing me to learn from you.

Just like that, I embraced the way that trees release. I released guilt and fear around what anyone else would think of my relationship with spirit.