Gifts........ love language?

Learning to love myself was a process. A painful, messy, beautiful process that I am so profoundly happy that I went through. Looking at myself, doing the shadow work and healing my wounds was some of the hardest and best work I have ever done. Falling in love with myself and learning to treat myself in a loving manner took a large shift in mindset. 

My love languages are solidly quality time and physical touch. That is how I interpret love from others but also how I show myself love. I spend quality time with myself, running, walking, writing, and baths are just some of the examples. I embrace physical touch through physical acts like running, walking, hiking, gardening, and washing my sheets and wiggling in between them focusing on how they feel on my skin. The most important relationship that I will ever have is with myself, yet it took me decades to understand and embrace that. 

Gifts are not something that equate to love for me and they never have. For example, if you buy me flowers at the store I may appreciate them but it doesn’t feel like love to me, yet I do understand that it can be a loving act. If you pick me flowers, weeds, herbs or even grass then it equates to love for me. Mostly because it was meaningful time that you spent on me. 

I felt her energy on mine and didn’t want to take the time or energy to tune in and determine why, so I just picked up the phone and called her. I wasn’t sure if she was thinking about me, talking about me or needing me. 

She laughed as she picked up the phone, “ did you get vibes from me” she asked.

“I sure did” I answered back.

“Well, I made you something and I was writing you a note” she responded. 

A couple of days later a box arrived at my house. As I walked back from the mailbox I got excited. I don’t typically like gifts, however I knew that she had made something. I opened the box and read the beautiful note. She was thanking me for coming into her life and supporting her spiritual and personal growth. I slowly and carefully unwrapped the glasses. She went to the store and bought the exact glasses that I love. I am highly sensitive to the way glasses feel on my lips as I drink out of them and will only drink out of specific types because it ruins the experience for me otherwise. People who are sensitive to energy are often sensitive to everything else also; sensations, foods, temperatures, medications and the list goes on. On one glass she had etched “These are my truths” with a dragonfly and on the second she had etched “Own your shit”. Both of these are statements that I make regularly. I don’t like gifts, they simply are not my love language however this gift spoke directly to my heart and was absolutely my love language. 

Naked Wrists

I stopped wearing watches years ago. When you are a medium it can feel pointless to wear a watch. Spirits love to drain energy from easy sources like phone or watch batteries. When I made the decision to stop wearing a watch, because I couldn’t keep the batteries going to save my life, I didn’t understand that as the human with all of the control I was able to make a rule that the spirits who are around me could not drain my batteries. My decision to stop wearing a watch happened before I had good background knowledge of mediumship and what was happening. 

After I went through my significant opening I learned to create and hold sacred space. I learned to create rules and expectations for spirits who wanted to work with me. I no longer allowed spirits to wake me, unless it was an energy. I made them talk one at a time. I told them that I would not reach out to a human for them, they needed to make the human come to me. I no longer allowed them to drain my cell battery. I set rules and expected them to follow them.

My wrist is still bare,  I do not wear a watch despite the fact that I learned to create and hold sacred space and have rules with spirit. I realized during my time without a watch that I genuinely enjoyed not having a watch on. The act of constantly looking at the time rather than listening to my body and the earth was something that I happily released. The more that I tuned into me and the universe and the earth, the happier I got. The more I focused on the business of life, like constantly checking the time even when I really didn’t need to know what time it was, the less joy and happiness I felt. And, just like that I embraced a life with a naked wrist and I couldn’t be happier about it.

Feeling your feelings

We showered together every night. The time was sacred to me and I never felt uncomfortable while we were naked together despite the fact that you could see all of me. I never felt uncomfortable which was odd because I wanted to crawl out of my own skin most of the time. You knew that I struggled with body image issues, I was open about it from the moment we started dating. 

You wanted an additional minute or two in the shower and I felt the need to weigh myself for the second time that day. I got out, dried off and picked up the scale. I carried it out into the hallway. I searched for a place that was flat because the house is old and the floors ebb and flow, much like life. 

I waited for the number to disappear then I walked back in and placed the scale back in its normal spot.  You turned off the shower and opened the glass door. I casually smiled at you as I started to walk towards the door. “Erin”, you never called me by my name. I was “babe” or “bayba”  and it made me stop in my tracks. I turned around and took a step back, I looked at you and as I made eye contact I sank into your soul. It felt like the space between you and I was gone, we were one, somehow merged for a moment. You were impaired, even so, I realized that you were having a profound moment. 

“I can’t imagine what it feels like” you said with deep emotion in your voice. 

I tilted my head to the right with a question in my energy. 

“I didn’t realize how much you hurt over your body until tonight” you said without unlocking eyes. 

It was days later when we spoke further about that conversation. We were out for a walk on one of my favorite paths. One that led into the woods, to a cabin, to a pond, and deep into my soul. We spoke freely about the fact that you were able to feel my emotions that night. It was the only time that you openly expressed to me that you were empathic, despite the fact that I knew you were. 

It was more than a year later that I understood that while you may be empathic, you made an active choice not to tune into it. You couldn’t help but tune in that night because you were impaired. In a sober state, you avoided feeling others peoples feelings. You made a statement that left a print on my soul. It was one of those statements that changes your life and I knew it when it passed your lips; it was a statement that I would either crumble on or grow from.

As that reality sunk into me, and as I healed my bullshit, I realized I never wanted to be like you. I never wanted to have abilities and not use them. If the universe trusted me to have these gifts it was careless to make the choice not to use them. So, I stopped dodging my abilities and I sank into them.

Simply Happy

The boys were tucked into bed and were happily chatting. Bedtime had been peaceful and calm. I had started a pot of tomato sauce with my youngest before bed and was getting ready to can it. 

There is something about the energy of my kitchen that I simply love. I dimmed the lights and turned up the folk music that was playing in the background. As I layed out the pots and pans for canning I poured a glass of red wine. The crickets and insects outside were chirping and I adored listening to them as I knew that it wouldn’t be long before fall came and their noises would be gone. There was a slight breeze coming through the open windows and doors. I loved the way that the breeze flowed through the kitchen bringing all of the evening energy in from outside. There was nothing special about the night, it was a simple night. Yet, there was everything special about the night, it was a magickal night because I was alive and happy and the small details in life were catching my attention. 

It was a Friday night and I was home alone, unless you count the three beautiful sleeping boys. As I canned tomatoes and danced in the kitchen I got chatting with one of my closest spirit guides. He told me that I couldn’t dance, it was a common statement from him and I laughed and kept dancing. We made small talk and then he asked if I knew why I was so happy. The question made me stop for a moment and reflect, but then a song by Shakey Graves came on so I went back to dancing. He left silence and so did I. 

Eventually, I answered him “I am happy, as a person. I am finally happy. My soul is happy. My heart is happy. I no longer feel inadequate. I feel worthy of happiness and so I am happy. I no longer need external things or people or experiences to make me happy”.

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Flickering Lights

As we walked into the house I felt nervous and excited all at the same time. I knew that I was nervous because I awkwardly moved my hands not knowing exactly where they should be as we walked down the path. I felt lucky that one of my hands carried a bag of food, so I was limited on how I was nervously moving that one. I had already tuned into her energy and I knew that I would really like her. Her soul carried a level of nurturing and comfort that felt safe. I wasn’t worried about liking her, I knew that I already did. I wasn’t worried about her liking me as a person, I knew that she would. I worried about her ability to process the fact that I am a medium. 

I am a strong believer that my truth doesn’t need to be another person's truth. I make that statement in each class and reading. We all have different truths and we all have the right to stand in our truths. We also all have the ability and right to grow and have our truths change. For example, the first time I was told that everything in my life was a mirror I disagreed. Almost 2 years later, that became a truth for me and something that I know and believe in my soul, but initially it didn’t feel true. As I grow spiritually and personally my mindset and belief system expand, change and grow also. My truth never needs to be another person's truth and I am finally in a place where I have addressed enough self love issues that a discrepancy in truth does not bother me. 

I knew she was unsure about the mediumship, specifically given her strong religious background, but I also knew she had an open mind. We walked in together and I wanted to cling to his arm and wrap my hand inside of his. I loved the security that he offered me but instead I stood a step away…… well, let’s be honest, a half step away. 

I could feel multiple spirits when we pulled up to the house. It didn’t surprise me given the three beautiful women who lived inside were all widows. Within minutes of arriving I watched the lights dim and brighten again. It happened a couple of times and then eventually they started to flicker. Spirits are energy, and it is easy for them to access electrical or electronic devices.  They can turn them on or off, or make them flicker when trying to get attention. I was still growing into my mediumship, I will always be growing into my mediumship as it is a lifelong journey.  What I really meant to say is that I was just growing confidence in my mediumship again after coming out of a difficult relationship that I allowed to shake my confidence in my abilities. I tried hard to be focused on the human realm that was present in front of me.  I typically spend most of my day with one foot in both realms, which feels comfortable and easy at this point, however I really needed to be grounded in the human world for this interaction. The lights continued to flicker. I asked to use the bathroom. Bathrooms have always been a place where I could pause and reset energy which is really what I needed. As I stood washing my hands I said “I see you, I feel you and I know that you are here but I can’t talk right now”. The acknowledgment was enough to make him stop flickering the lights.  Just like us humans, spirits like to be acknowledged and heard. 

While the lights dimmed and eventually went out on our relationship, I got the confidence and self love back to step into the light with mediumship. I will always be grateful for lights that flicker and lead the way.

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Do not lie to me!

We had an agreement. One that he looked me in the eyes and said yes to. It was clear, there was no question about the agreement. Despite the fact that he had lied to me many times before, I wanted to trust him. It had a direct impact on the health of my sweet boys and it simply did not occur to me that he would lie about this particular topic.  

I put the boys to bed and was picking up the kitchen. I realized that I was not present in the act of cleaning up, my mind had wandered and I was interacting with spirits, which happens frequently when I am performing a mindless task like cleaning. I cherish the ability to live solidly in both realms and feel blessed to get gifts from both worlds. 

I had a physical response to the information that I was receiving. Sometimes, when I receive information from spirit or the universe I wonder if it is accurate or if my mind is playing games with me, and need to confirm the accuracy of information. Sometimes, I have zero questions. At that moment, I had zero question about the accuracy of the information. We all have the ability to feel a truth or a lie in our bodies, it is simply an issue of tuning in and practicing it. At this point in my life, I use my intuition much like I use my ability to see, hear or smell. It is a sense that is always on and I use it for feedback much like I use the ability to see, hear and smell. 

The human side of me wanted to embrace the anger that had washed over me for a moment. The grounded side of me realized that I was being given this information for a reason. So, I calmed my emotions and handed control over to the universe, and why shouldn’t I? The universe was the one pointing this information out to me, wouldn’t the universe point out an immediate health risk if it were there? 

He walked in the next day, I calmly looked him in the eyes and said “I know where you were last night.” I paused and watched him squirm. “I don’t ever expect you to lie to me again” I said with every ounce of confidence and peace in my voice. 

“I am sorry” he said back, yet the words were empty. He never tried to deny it, he accepted that he had been caught and never bothered asking me how I knew.  We went on to have a conversation about why I needed honesty. Sometimes, I will call you on the lie that has been pointed out to me. Sometimes, I will silently adjust the way that I interact with you and the trust that I am willing to hand over to you.

Honesty is a statement of character.

It is just your phone

We were taking a walk in the woods and avoiding the fact that our relationship had fallen apart, to be honest it was dead. There was no real reason for it to be dead, hence the walk. Our conversation was forced and awkward, which was odd because it flowed so easily for our whole relationship. I told him how my girlfriend caught a faery on video and how excited I was for her.  

“Does she have an iphone” he asked.

“No, Samsung. Why?” I responded

“Because I think it's just something on the iphone (imply that it isn’t a faery)” he said. 

I recoiled like I had been hit. Words rarely give me a physical response that others can visually see, however his comment absolutely did. 

His words rattled in my head for days. Let me be honest, they shook me to my core. They rattled in my head for months. Was I crazy? I could see the faeries with my eyes and then catch them on my phone, was it all in my head? Why did I capture things on camera that most don’t? Is it just a glitch in my phone?

Earlier in our relationship he said that his friend wanted to see a picture of a faery that I caught, but when there wasn’t the moon or sun or light coming through. At the time, I remember thinking that I would happily do that if this man needed proof. It didn’t bother me that a random man who I didn’t know didn’t believe in me, he didn’t need to. I knew that as I stepped further and further into my abilities and capabilities that I would have an abundance of people who questioned or didn’t believe me. 

I was out for a run when a guide who works closely with me showed up. We spoke about limits. We spoke about how far our limits can be pressed. That we will get to experience things as far as our brains allow our limits to be pressed. It solidified why I got to experience things as truths that some others may not. 

Days later, I was out running and a different guide showed up. He always pressed me, hard love doesn’t describe him well enough. 

“Fuck him” he said with a coyness in his voice. 

“Why” I said back.

“Actually, fuck you” he said with laughter in his voice. 

“Fuck you back” I shot back at him.

There was a long silence as I ran. 

“Why fuck him? Why fuck me” I asked.

“Fuck you for letting his limits on boundaries become yours. At what point did you set your self worth on his opinion and his boundary? At what point did his boundary become yours?” 

That conservation resulted in weeks of meditation, running thoughts and contemplation. On the next full moon I set the intention of releasing the ties that I had created between my barriers or boundaries and those of any future partners. It was a full moon, but you couldn’t see the moon because a storm was starting to roll in. The first couple drops of rain were coming and I picked up my phone and caught this faery along with multiple shots of lightning later in the night. I laughed when I realized that I got his photo, the one without sun or moon or light but with a perfect faery. This wasn’t my first time experiencing a partner who had a different boundary. It wasn’t my first time experiencing a shift in my boundary to meet my partners. It was, however, the last.

Stacking Wood

I love stacking wood. I truly do. I love everything about it. I love the physical fitness aspect of it. I am investing in my body at the same time that I am investing in heating my home for the winter. It feels much like shadow work to me. While it can feel like hard work, the payoff is intense and something that you and all of your loved ones benefit from. 

As I carry pieces of wood and stack them neatly on each other,my mind wanders to cold mornings and sitting by the fire with coffee while writing. Despite the fact that I am carrying wood I feel like I am sitting on the couch already, it feels as real as my experience of carrying the wood. I know that on those cold mornings as I load the woodstove I will think back about carrying the wood and it will feel as real as loading the woodstove. There is something about experiencing things deeply that brings me immense joy. Feeling the feelings and embracing the sensation, being present in that moment, in that experience, in that thought, in this life. 

I love the grounding aspect of stacking wood. My skin touches the rough bark and wood and it is almost as if my skin is absorbing the grounding that the tree embodied.  I understand that some will find this an odd thought and I am alright with that, my truth doesn’t need to be yours. I feel that the tree offers shade and oxygen and support while it was living. As I carry the wood to stack it, it offers me insight, wisdom and grounding. Over the winter, it will offer me warmth, entertainment and love. When I spread the ashes from the woodstove onto my land it will offer nutrition and balancing. Embracing and appreciating all that the tree offers me deepens my connection with the tree, the earth, myself and the universe.

Open Door Policy

When I first met him, I would leave the doors to my house open all the time. I have a vivid memory of him asking me one day why I left them open. It had never occurred to me not to leave them open and the question made me think. Why wouldn’t you want the air and energy to flow freely through your home? Why wouldn’t you want to let the most amount of light and nature into your home? 

When we moved into our home together everything changed. My whole life changed. I don’t know exactly when or how, but it just seemed to happen. My doors were shut, the energy and light didn’t flow through my home or my heart anymore. Somehow, I became shut off to the lighter side of me, a side of myself that had been so important for all of my life. Suddenly, I was someone whom I didn’t recognize anymore. 

When he moved out it took me time to heal my wounds. Slowly, I started to let the light and love back into my life. Slowly, the doors on my home started to open again. The barriers and guards that I had put up started to come down. I started to be vulnerable and open again.  Eventually, my morning started with walking around the house opening each and every door.  It happened naturally and felt good and right. I didn’t think much about it as it was happening. One day, I opened the last door in the home that had remained shut. It was in that moment that I realized how shut off I had become with him and how open I had become again after him.

It was a beautiful growth moment for me. It wasn’t about him. It was all about me. I responded and reacted in ways that were not true to my soul and I can never blame that on him, I hold sole responsibility for that. In that moment, standing in my open doorway feeling the sun and light pouring over me, I vowed that I wouldn’t find myself in this situation again. I would be true to my soul and keep my figurative and literal door open in life.

Life Path Number 4

I love the sound of nature. It doesn’t really matter what kind, all of it lights my world up. If I am hearing it then I am likely out in it, which is when I am the most grounded and happiest. It was a warm evening in the late summer. I had put the boys to bed and walked the mail to the mailbox. On my way back down the driveway towards the house I decided that I would take a couple of trips of brush up to the brush pile. I had just had a tree cut down on my driveway, it was dead and needed to be cut 2 years ago. 

I picked up some brush and started dragging it towards the pile out in the woods. It was a beautiful night, the crickets were chirping and the air was both cool and balmy all at the same time. It was late summer, the very start to fall and it felt amazing. I love to be physically active so this didn’t feel like a chore. I realized that like most things in my life, if I chunked it out, the pick up from the tree wouldn’t be a big deal. 

I kept pulling brush up the driveway and thought about how I really was happy. I found a groove in life. I had healed wounds, some that were old and I should have healed a long time ago and some were recent.  But regardless, I finally felt healed. I got to thinking about numerology. I had taken both basic and advanced numerology and found numerology fascinating. I vividly remember calculating my life path number and getting the number 4. It felt wrong, I wasn’t upset but it also didn’t connect for me. A life path number 4 is all about stability and hard work. The issue was that I was trying to make the life lesson number into my soul or path of destiny number which is why the 4 didn’t fit. It wasn’t until about a year later that I went back and spent some time looking at the difference between life lesson and soul or path of destiny. When I realized that it was what I really needed to understand, what I needed to learn and master, then it made complete sense to me.I needed to learn how to create my own stability, to own my own stability, to be the master of my own stability. 

I turned and started walking towards the house from the woods. I looked at my home, the one that I am paying for alone. I pay all of my own bills without support. I got my doctorate and put myself through college.  I thought about my three boys, and while I have beautiful family support, I am a single mom of 3 stunning boys whom I am responsible for. I made it through divorce and found myself again. As I walked back towards the house I smiled and realized that life path number 4 and I were doing just fine, I will be the master of my own stability, which is something that I have never questioned.

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