Race, outside of my comfort zone

I had finally worked up the courage to try an ultra marathon. After I built up the courage, I built up the excitement around it. I mapped out a training schedule and started increasing mileage. It felt slightly outside of my comfort zone. Let me be honest, it was outside of my comfort zone. I am fairly confident that part of my draw to that distance was that it was outside of my comfort zone. Growth happens for me outside of my comfort zone. Growth happens when I want something more than I want to stay comfortable.

I hadn’t talked about the race with many people. It was likely a protection mechanism. He felt completely safe to talk to about it. Not only did he meet me with genuine excitement, he also met me with support. He must have known that I needed to hear some encouragement, because he threw it my way without a single request. 

I vividly remember the excitement I felt the night before my first full marathon. I wish I could bottle up and save that excitement and the energy. Not just the energy the night before, but the energy picking up the race number, going pee one last time which inevitably turned into 2 more, walking and jumping before the race to get excited energy out, the music at the start line, the encouraging energy from all of the runners. I have always wanted to bottle that energy and save it.

Needless to say, I felt completely deflated when I got the email that the race had been moved. I told him about the change in date and how I hoped to be able to run a marathon or two over the summer. He came back with the most beautiful question that made me recoil. He asked me why I needed it to be a race, why couldn’t I just do it myself? 

His question was simple. When training for a race I would always have distance runs built into my training schedule. I loved them. They were always my favorite part of the training schedule. They were just outside of my comfort zone and I always got a nice dose of excited energy, like race day. I spent the next couple of weeks thinking about his question. The reality is that I was likely seeking external validation. The ironic part is that my pace and my time no longer matter to me, I gave up my focus on those years ago. It was about the experience, so why did I need to have an official race? I didn’t want to admit that it was external validation, I fought verbalizing it. If I was being completely honest, I wanted to say that I had run a 50 K race rather than just saying I had completed a run that distance. As soon as I could admit it to myself, I started to challenge myself on that. I wanted to run that distance because having a goal like that encouraged me to take my running schedule more seriously. I wanted to run that distance because it made me drink more water and eat healthier meals. I wanted to run that distance because it gave me more time in a meditative state. Those were the real reasons. Just like that, I started planning my own 50 K. 

The next time someone asks you a question that is outside of your comfort zone or makes you recoil, recognize that there may be a growth opportunity there for you.

Fear

Have you ever had an experience where you resisted something based on the fear of how “bad” it would be? Have you ever stayed in a job too long, for fear of how uncomfortable the transition out would be? Have you ever stayed in a relationship longer than you should have, for fear of the pain that it would cause? Have you ever stayed at an event too long, because you didn’t want your exit to be uncomfortable and you felt that you hadn’t stayed long enough?

Isn’t it funny, the level of discomfort that we will tolerate to avoid being uncomfortable?

This is something that I have contemplated a lot recently. Is it being uncomfortable that we are avoiding or is it the fear?

I have a lot of people ask me if I have a hard time delivering uncomfortable information during a reading. My answer is always very clear, it isn’t even slightly uncomfortable to deliver uncomfortable information. A long time ago I worked through my fear around uncomfortable conversations and I no longer avoid them. I got super comfortable with uncomfortable conversations which took every ounce of power away from the uncomfortable conversation.

It wasn’t the uncomfortableness that was the issue. It was solidly my fear around the uncomfortableness. You may be reading this and wondering why I am splitting hairs. It is my truth, that it is hard to address something when you don’t understand what exactly it is that you're addressing. So I named it, I called it what it was, I looked at it straight on. It was fear. It wasn’t being uncomfortable.

The other night I had been working on this exact topic. It wasn’t until I was in meditation that I realized I was staring at the same problem on a different platter. It was fear that limits my ability to move on. The actual act of moving on wasn’t that uncomfortable, it was well within my ability to tolerate. It was my fear.

Did you agree?

This is my truth, it does not need to be yours.

My truth is that we are a soul here having a human experience. I believe that a large part of why we are here having a human experience is to challenge ourselves with experiences that promote growth for our soul. I believe that while we were at the light, before starting our human experience, there are certain things that we agreed to experience to promote this soul growth.

I also believe that we came into this human experience with other souls, almost like a pod of people, to help support us or play roles for us to help us with our goals of soul growth. For example, you may have identified people who were going to throw unconditional support and love at you to help give you the stability that you needed to challenge yourself in a particular growth area. On the flipside, you may have identified people who would step into your life and challenge you to help promote soul growth in a different way.

I believe that when there is a particular soul growth goal that we put multiple levels of support in place to ensure that we learn and grow. We put individuals in our world who will challenge us and oftentimes also put individuals in our world who will support us at the same time with that same goal. The more we have grown in a particular area, the less support we come in with, mostly because we don’t need it. For example, if you are trying to work on self-worth, then you may have people in the work setting, in your family, in your friend circle, who challenge you on self-worth…… maybe challenge is the wrong word, maybe it’s really more of pushing you. You likely at the same time have support from loved ones, friends or family, who support your mission of self-worth and provide positive feedback and affirmations. The more lives that you have lived in, the more growth you have made and the more you will challenge yourself to have less support from friends and family. And then eventually, you will challenge yourself to have almost no support and possibly even have your loved ones be the ones who challenge you.

The next time you find yourself in a situation where you are being challenged, consider the fact that you may have asked for an experience like this to help you grow. I know that it’s hard at the moment, however I challenge you to try. Zoom out a bit, and rather than being upset with the person for the challenge, you may want to ask yourself why YOU asked for this, what did YOU want to learn. Did you agree to this? Better yet, did you ask for this?

Frozen

Have you ever felt frozen? Have you ever felt stuck? Have you ever felt like you needed to break the cycle, needed to shift and move but didn’t know how?

I was struggling through my emotions. What was mine to own and what wasn’t mine to own? Actually, it was all mine to own. If I believe that I am responsible for everything in my life, then I am responsible for this situation. I felt frozen, unsure of how to own all of this situation, but acknowledged that I needed to figure it out. 

I meditated by the fire and got messages but not everything that I was looking for. I tiptoed up the stairs focusing on the way my body responded to the change in temperature as I walked away from the warmth and light of the fireplace. I asked the universe to help me see what I couldn’t with my own eyes. I asked the universe to help me grow when I couldn’t see where to root myself. I drifted off to sleep clutched strongly to the knowledge that I am well supported in my growth from the universe. 

I woke to the sound of rain, freezing rain hitting the windows and roof. I checked the clock only to see 2am. I recognized that I had been woken by spirit. With eyes wide open, I focused on hearing all of the messages being gifted to me, not letting my ego get in the way. Allowing the messages to flow through me, like the rain that was flowing outside my window. 

This was a pattern of protection. One that came from a wound. I had a choice. I could sit in my pattern and feel stuck or I could sit in the uncomfortableness of change. I got to make the choice. What kind of uncomfortable do you want? Do you want the uncomfortable that you know, the cold and frozen pattern that holds you back or do you want the uncomfortableness of change? Do you want to be vulnerable and raw? Do you want to hand someone your trust and risk the chance of getting your heart hurt? Or does someone else have to pay for your previous relationship wounds?  Do you want to work through the uncomfortableness of change and growth? I got a choice. 

It was an easy choice to make. I wanted to be uncomfortable as I worked through growth. I wanted to accept risk and the chance of being hurt. In the darkness, listening to the rain hitting the window I made a choice to not be stuck anymore. 

Sleep escaped me as I lay lost in my thoughts. Zoomed out, thinking about myself and my life. As the light of day found me, I knew that I was going to need to work through my pattern. Throughout the day I felt the need to shift and move my body, nothing seemed comfortable and I realized that I was carrying this pattern in my physical body. I eventually found myself on a run hoping that the movement would allow energy to shift in my body. What I wasn’t expecting, however likely should have expected, was sharp pain. I was about 10 minutes into my run when I got sharp stabbing pain in my solar plexus. I could feel my emotions rise and I took a deep breath. I recognized it for what it was, the discomfort of releasing something I hold onto so tightly for so long. I kept running and relaxed into the discomfort which started to shift and move. Suddenly, I felt like I was going to vomit. I accepted this and decided that if my body needed to purge the energy,I would allow that. I didn’t vomit, I didn’t even gag. I cried. Without a warning tears flowed freely down my face and I gasped to catch my breath between sobs. Just as quickly as the tears had started to flow they dried. I sniffed and cleared my throat. As I slowed my pace and ended my run I found peace and calm in my body that had not been there all day. As I released, I made room for energy that was in better alignment with what I actually wanted out of life. I don’t want to be frozen, I don’t pick frozen anymore.

Shadow work

People often tell me that they don’t feel capable of doing shadow work because it would hurt too much and their pain is too deep. Believe me, I understand. I avoided my own shadow work and healing for years. I brushed trauma and pain under the carpet just like so many others. The ironic part is that avoiding looking at the trauma and wounds doesn’t actually keep you from feeling the pain, you just feel it differently. 

During shadow work, you look at yourself. You look at your behaviors, your wounds, and your traumas. You get to the root cause of them and look at how they are impacting your life. You expose the truth so that you can feel the emotions and heal the wounds. It is painful. I would love to tell you that it isn’t, but the reality is that it will be. 

The other reality is that if you have these wounds and trauma and you are avoiding feeling them, resulting in avoiding healing them, then you are already feeling the pain associated with them. We often think that by avoiding the shadow work we avoid the pain. When you stop and think about it, you know that this can not be true. Failure to acknowledge and address something doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist….. If that were the case, life would be pretty simple, right?

So, you get to pick. How do you like your pain? Do you want to feel prolonged yet lower level pain that controls and drives your life, or do you want to feel intense pain for a short period of time until you have healed your wound and gain control again? You can even get the choice to kick your pain down the road for a bit until you have support in place to hold space for you while you do shadow work. 

Whatever you pick is the right choice for you. There is no wrong decision. We all get to make it. The beautiful news is that we can even change our mind.

Finding happy

I wiggle. I move. I have a hard time holding still. When I brush my teeth I pace, often on my tippy toes. But, if you give me a new toothbrush fresh from the package I will wiggle and dance slightly more.

There is something about a new toothbrush that brings an abundance of happiness. It feels great as it slides across my teeth and gums. It feels perfect as it reaches behind my wisdom teeth. And, oh the way it feels when I brush my tongue. A new toothbrush makes me happy. 

Fresh sheets on my bed make me happy. My toes in the grass covered in dew makes me happy. The sound of my children laughing makes me happy. The way that the air flows through my house on a warm summer evening makes me happy. The feeling of salt on my skin after a day at the ocean makes me happy. New potatoes fresh from the garden make me happy. Watching dragonflies race in my backyard makes me happy. Having a standing desk rather than sitting all day makes me happy. Eating raw asparagus from the garden after brushing the dirt off makes me happy. Thinking about where rocks have been, what they have seen and what they know makes me happy. Making babies from my houseplants makes me happy. Skipping backwards makes me happy.

In my younger days, I thought that happiness was a state of being. At this point, I believe that happiness is  found by compiling a bunch of happy things into your day and making the decision that all of those happy things were enough to make you happy. Somedays, I find myself hunting for happiness, looking for it in the small details and spending my time focusing on that. Somedays, it doesn’t matter which way I turn, happiness is flowing over me freely. At this point in my life, I solidly believe that finding happiness in the small things in life makes my days easily filled with happiness. 

Shaman

It was like slipping naked into a silky bathrobe. The moment that I slipped one arm in and pulled it around myself, immediate comfort embraced me. It was the feeling of being home. It was the feeling of safety. It was the feeling of comfort. It was the feeling that I had done this a million times before and would a million times again. It was the feeling that I was right where I needed to be. It was the feeling of deep knowing. It was the feeling of support from my ancestors. It was the feeling of love from the universe. 

My shamanic apprenticeship was like slipping naked into a silky bathrobe. While I know that this may sound like an odd way of describing it, that is what it felt like. It was the comfort of something so known and trusted and healing, and yet the vulnerability of being naked and seen.

Shamanic work runs deep in my soul and I knew that it would only be a matter of time before I found the right mentor and embarked on an apprenticeship. I researched many programs and mentors looking for the perfect fit as I knew that this was something that would be part of my life path and spiritual journey, making the mentor an important decision. From the moment I spoke with Sierra from Indigenous Roots, I knew that she would be my mentor, everything in my body confirmed that she was the right fit and I was absolutely accurate. 

Sierra was by far the best living mentor who I have personally worked with. She supported me in a way that was nothing short of humbling. She taught and guided all while throwing unconditional safety and support at me. She gave me the freedom to express and grow and change while holding space for me to feel safe during my growth. Throughout the apprenticeship she created such a safe space that I never once held anything back or censored my thoughts, questions or comments.  It was the ultimate state of flow and growth. I realize that for this level of flow and growth, the mentor must be able to create and hold space that is non judgemental and safe.  Sierra did this without question. Many of the things that Sierra taught me I was already doing on some level. I had pulled it through from past lives and through support of the universe.  She took me deeper and more in-depth on everything. She taught me how to take these healing practices to an entirely new level. It was like being welcomed home…… actually, it wasn’t “like” that, it WAS that. It was being welcomed home. 

Shamanic work involved standing solidly on both sides of the veil, something that I adore. It involves working with spirit, not only human spirit but the spirit of the land, the plants, the animals, our ancestors, etc. Shamanic work is rooted deeply in the act of healing through ancient wisdom and practices. 

I am beyond ecstatic to announce that I have graduated from the Shamanic Apprenticeship program through Indigeous Roots and will shortly be offering Shamanic healing through Rose Quartz Mediumship, more information to come soon! 

It is medical, right?

She didn’t want to hear my words and I knew it. I was telling her something that she wasn’t ready to embrace yet. I knew the feeling all too well as I had to work through my own resistance around this exact topic only a couple of years ago. I wanted to believe that all of my “physical” symptoms were actually medical issues rather than my energetics manifesting in my body. 

“Have you considered that it isn’t medical in nature?” I asked her. 

She had worked with me long enough to know that I wouldn’t push her on this topic unless I felt like she needed to be pushed. 

“But, I have had a real medical issue with this in the past” she said back.

“I know, I get that. I am not saying that it isn’t medical in nature. I am asking you if you have considered that this is the energetics in your world that are manifesting into physical form in your body.” I said back, likely not as gently as I should have. 

“It could be. It really could be.” she said. 

“I just know that for me, my body is one of the best warning signs that I have of what is going on for me energetically. It shows me things that I may not be able to see myself. That is my truth and it doesn’t need to be yours.” I said. 

“I already have the appointment so I am going to get the testing done. But, if it isn’t medical, what do you think I should do?” she asked. 

We went on to talk about ways to release lower vibration levels, trauma, guilt, pain and wounds. She texted me later to tell me that she had taken real action on all of the ways to release the things that were not serving her. She had written, she had taken a goddess bath with crystals, salts and essential oils, she had crystals in her bra, she had done yoga and walked, she had written words of things that she wanted to release and burned them. She was already feeling better physically. 

Days later, she called me to tell me that she had her medical workup completed and the medical concern that she was worried about had not changed, in fact it had improved. This was a beautiful opportunity for her to grow spiritually. She recognized not only that her energetics were resulting in a physical manifestation of discomfort, she also recognized that given that it was not actually medical in nature, she had COMPLETE control over the situation. The more healing of her figurative wound that she did, the better she felt physically. Rather than being deflated by the situation, she felt empowered to stand in her power and be in control of her energetics and her body!

I found my tribe

I expected a different experience. Isn’t that often the case? As a human, I sometimes find myself in a situation where I am clinging to control. Is it really mine to hold, I ask myself often. Am I even really holding it, I ask myself often. Is control an illusion? 

When I picked my business name it was done through spirit. Rose Quartz Mediumship, it is a heart centered energy with a focus on healing and deep meaningful relationship with spirit. It is three simple words strung together, making a name. They are just words. They are so much more than just words. They are a window into my soul. They are a window into my vulnerability. They are a window into my journey and my path. They are so much more than words. 

Seeing a version (misspelled) of my business name being sprayed across Instagram and being used to pray upon people for money should have torn my heart out. Someone created an account and blocked me so that I could not see them, they then reached out to most of the people who follow Rose Quartz Mediumship and followed them and then direct messaged them asking if they wanted a reading and asking for money.  It should have taken my breath away. It should have made me feel deflated. It should have made me feel sold out. It should have made me feel hurt. 

I had seen it happen to other tarot readers, psychics and mediums. I had thought about how I would respond….. or would I react? I expected a different experience. I expected to feel all of the emotions that I listed above. Instead, I felt humbled. I felt grateful. I felt whole. I felt supported. I felt home. 

The volume of people who threw unsolicited support at me was nothing short of breathtaking. I expected the experience to be different.  One woman was at her mothers funeral when this fake Instagram account contacted her and asked her if she wanted to buy a reading. I am rarely short on words, however that took all of my words. Reading her message telling me that a fake account using my precious business name (almost!) reached out to her trying to scam her from money WHILE she was at her mothers funeral literally stopped me in my tracks and took my words. As I struggled to tell her how sorry I was, she met me with beautiful and kind words. I expected a different experience. I did not expect to be met with countless messages, texts, emails, and calls to notify me. I didn’t expect to be met by strangers asking this fake account for their paypal account, only to be able to have it to report. I didn’t expect to be met by people reaching out for the first time with the sole intention of notifying me that someone was trying to trash my business name and steal money. I expected a different experience. 

I expected my tears to be from frustration and pain. Instead, they flowed freely down my face directly related to the abundance of love and support that was thrown at me. Rose Quartz Mediumship, it is a heart centered energy with a focus on healing and deep meaningful relationship with spirit and if that was not thrown at me with unwavering power, I don’t know what was. I can solidly say that I picked the right name for my business and I can solidly say that I found my tribe. It wasn’t the experience that I expected, but I could not be more grateful for the experience playing out like this…… Dear universe, I will hand you over control as it is clear that you wrote the experience far better than I would have. 

As I write this, the account is still up on IG and despite that I keep reporting it IG has written me back saying that it does not go against their rules. If you have been contacted by rosequartmediummship (please note the 2 mm and the fact that none of the videos work!) please report the account.

Moments of darkness

I walked out to feed and water the chickens and as I opened the door I was met with icy air. It was piercing and penetrated my jacket, hat and mittens. The wind blew the icy air and I tucked my face down into my jacket as I walked towards the barn. The water sloshed from the bucket in the fierce wind. All of my exposed skin burned almost immediately. My lungs stung as I took a deep breath in of the freezing air. Tears ran from my eyes and I eventually made the decision to simply shut them as I knew this path to the barn well, I walked it daily. 

I wanted to run today but it was simply too cold, it was downright painful outside. Everything hurt just from the walk to the barn and back. When I got back into the house I looked out the frosty windowpane at the rising sun and the darkness fading. I hoped that the light from the sun would warm the earth and bring some much needed comfort. 

Hours later, I laced my running shoes and slid into my cold weather gear. I won’t lie, the run was still cold and slightly uncomfortable but it wasn’t painful by any stretch of the imagination. While it wasn’t my ideal running environment,it was still a great run and much more comfortable than I imagined earlier that morning. While this wasn’t the spring running temps that I longed for, it was a beautiful day and I felt grateful to be running during the warmest part that the day had to offer me. 

This run was much like life. Sometimes, in moments of darkness we find ourselves uncomfortable or even in downright pain. Sometimes, you need to just pause and embrace the delay. Embrace the fact that the darkness will fade and the universe will bring light again. It may not always feel it, but it does happen. Waiting can be difficult but often with a delay we find ourselves in a better situation, a more comfortable one that ultimately promotes our actual goal. Waiting also gives us the opportunity to process our feelings and emotions and question what we really want. So, if you find yourself taking the cold painful walk to the barn in the dark, know that the light is coming and will warm you soon. If you find yourself standing in the warmth of the house, staring out through a frosty window, know that the light is coming and will open the door for you soon. If you find yourself running, in cold weather gear, know that spring is coming soon.