I think that there is something poetically tragic about the fact that you won’t get to experience this version of me. That you won’t get to be loved by this version of me. That you won’t get to experience all of the benefits of the growth that came out of our relationship.

I Am the One…

Things happen inside of spaces or inside of myself where it doesn't feel as safe to bring all of me, and then I feel less belonging, it’s like shades of grey. It isn't a yes or no. It isn't “I belong” or “I don't belong”. It’s like how much do I belong, which is driven by an internal process of feeling safe.

I have been in a deep state of transformation recently, and everything in my energy field and reality has been changing — literally everything. When this shift started for me, I knew that it was going to be profound, but I had no idea just how big it would be.

I was getting ready to cleanse and clear my body and as I moved the container of sacred shamanic cleanse I dropped the container. The moment that the container slid from my hands I felt my heart skip a beat. The cleanse was expensive and before it even hit the floor I was thinking about what I would have lost.

I used to miss all of these moments. I used to be so deeply in my mind that I missed most of my own morning. I used to be so caught up with what was happening in my head and all of the steps of my day that I wasn’t present with the life that I was living, the body that I am in. I think back about just how much of this beautiful human experience I have missed because I was in my head and not in my body.

“Oh yeah” I responded with a question in my voice. 

“Yeah, it was like something shifted inside of me during the workshop. I could feel it happening. Whatever you were saying was moving right through me in a way that I can’t explain. It is like you downloaded something into my heart and my body and my soul.”

I saw a canvas that you painted and it took my breath away.

I also have more access to the subconscious limitations and blocks that I have been reinforcing that keep me from stepping into the next expression of me. It would be easy to say that I am sitting in more fear, but that isn’t it, I have more access to the fear and subconscious blocks, and I know that that is all that they are, so I do not allow them to spiral.

I have worked on and through this self-judgement in many ways. Like layers of an onion, I peel them back slowly. I know that I love to play and I play freely in so many places in my life. I play freely with my children, my husband and many of my clients but I haven’t incorporated play into all aspects of my life. I am still guarded around play in so many ways.